The Razzies Just Make More Sense for this Jaded Q-Lifer

February 21, 2011

The Razzies Just Make More Sense for this Jaded QL

It’s award season. It’s Chinese New Year. And I am still also having trouble writing 2011 instead of 2010 on all documents. And Yes…I actually do still write a check or two.

But outside of my antiqued fiscal dealings and dyslexia, all of that other stuff just points to the special time of the year when the layers of self-indulgent BS reaches epic proportions. Especially cumulating with the Oscars.

My money is on “The King’s Speech” for Best Pic. Colin Firth for Best Actor. And Natalie Portman for her lovely lesbo scene as Best Actress. Always pays to be British or have a little girl on girl to get the Academy all hot and bothered.

I also predict Health Care reform to be repealed by the Supreme Court, a North Korean regime change, Iran will go nuclear and Snuggies will come out with its own form of an 80’s reboot of the Thigh Master.

But this is such stuff as to be below my Quarter Life expectations of existence and this special time of year.

More than just being a political think tank or entertainment expert, I have year in and year out enjoyed the enlightening experiences of other, less well known award ceremonies. Such as the Darwin Awards where they award those who have died in horrible humorously stupid ways and thus eliminated themselves from the human gene pool and the Darwin evolutionary process. More on the movie side of things, right after the Golden Globes, the Sundance Film Festival and the SAG…come the Razzies.

Much, much more to my liking. They give out awards to the worst of the worst in the film industry. No favoritism. No political games. No agendas. Just if you make bad movies or star in them…you will be bitched slap for the artistic offense.

Thus there are a lot of nominations for Vampire style flicks and actors this year.

So no red carpet makes me feel better. It is the Razzies which give me an overall better feeling about my QL experience in 21st society. That there is some sort of honesty still out there. That if you do truly suck (no vampire reference intended), we QL’s are not just going to blog about it…we are literally going to fashion a statue out of gold and give it to you for being a POS in your newest cinematic career move.

Quite Refreshing.

Plus I love Razzieberry Pie. The one where they put all the different kinds of berries in the same delicious baked yummy. Oh, so good a la mode.

I had a WikiLeak once…

February 21, 2011

I had a WikiLeak once…

Seriously I did. But antibiotics cleared it right up.

And thanks to my fifth senior year at twenty-three, with whom I thought was an innocent freshman gave me mono to boot.

Ergo, the cliché slogans of “No glove – no love,” “She smokes – she pokes” or “Wrap the rascal” have more importance than ever for healthy quarter life sexuality.

Whether straight, gay, lesbian, bi, curious, trans, furries, pre-op, monogamous, player and whatever they come up next during Queer Eskimo Awareness Week…we have all got to take a responsible role with our bodies.

There is something like a new hepatitis being reported every week by the CDC. I think we are up to something like Q-4 on the alphabet. Roll into the Petri dish, super-bug staph, bizarre genital warts, good old HIV and about a 100 other mood killers and it is a wonder we can shake hands without a Level IV bio HAZMAT suit.

Heck, the outbreak of bed bugs on college campuses and Disney resorts tells you something is amiss.

So what is a Q-lifer to do? The old school days of condoms are just a memory. The Ring, dental damns and blood testing are fast becoming norms. Not being gross here…that is just the reality we live in. Your fist kiss these days might land you with a mouth full of acne.

And yep it is scary. But there are ways to deal with it and keep a normal, again, healthy libido, romantic and maturing QL lifestyle.

Here are some hints from my former Human Sexuality 102-304 course. She was a TA in the class. And yes, I dated her. She taught be so, so many things. But I ended up with a B-. Go figure on that. Well, now she is a MD of internal medicine in Baltimore. Dr. Tracy Connick helped me out with some good advice.

Condoms are still the best choice.

Float around the idea of what sex is really about before you actually do it. Ergo, think with your brain and not your nethers.

If committed to taking the next step in your relationship, get a STD blood panel. You owe it to yourself and others to get tested. It also makes a deep statement about your care and concern for you partner.

If you have a condition or not, you are accountable. And these days that means more than morally. In some cases, if you transmit a disease, you can be prosecuted in a court of law or have your pants sued off this time.

In your twenties you still feel bullet proof. You are not. It does not just happen to someone else. Odds are one in three of your friends have some sort of venereal disease.

Never put yourself or others in a pressure situation. Just say no is still a staple, but even in more innocent circumstances; never push sex on yourself or a partner.

It is okay to take your time. It is alright to ask about past partners or the health of another. It is fun to let loose. It is up to you about how cool it might be to hook up or wear a chastity ring. It is NOT, ever cool to take yours or others’ emotional and physical well beings at risk.

Be smart. Practice safe sex. But don’t freak out that a peck goodnight or some club rave mug down is going to give you Ebola. Use good judgment.

Get informed. Again, don’t go all hypochondriac or OCD. Relationships, random or committed are stressful enough. But knowledge is power.

Stay healthy. See your doctor regularly. Have good hygiene. Prevention is key. And for heaven’s sake wash your hands.

I liked the last one best. Mom’s advice about soap and water was right. And thank goodness that was the only thing she ever spoke about doing the nasty.

I also thought the whole knowledge, be informed was kinda cool. Sort of like those cartoon G.I. Joe public service advice segments. “And knowing is half the battle. GO JOE !”

So there it is in a nutshell. No pun intended. Weird times we live and love in, but we can get through the QL and further on with just a little caution and a whole lot of care for ourselves and others.

Tron Gone Wrong? Not Really.

February 21, 2011

Tron Gone Wrong? Not Really.

Tron: Legacy

Well it is not 1982. And Jeff Bridges is a lot older. Sort of. With the help of some serious CGI he is also back to form at a young 28 years old. Don’t ask. No one ever saw the original Tron in our generation. A good portion of you were not even born or if you were, no parent was taking your crying, diaper stench ass to the movies. Back then, they had unlicensed babysitters called the teenage girl next door who charged $1 an hour, use of the phone and fridge privileges.

But I digress, and so does this movie. I mean it is an okay ride. I did not go into the theater believing this was a flick movie with Oscar glory potential. However I did walk the sticky floors and plant myself in the stale seat of my local mega-plex 40 movie complex. By the way, it is complete is a Mickey D’s and a Cinnabon. I knew this updated form of the classic sci-fi was going to be a special effects montage designed for 3-D addicted audiences. On that, it delivers and then some.

And I loved the reworked soundtrack combining the 80’s overuse of synthesizers with 2010 club rave mixes.

So with a cool $100 million guaranteed profit, I predict a roller coaster ride within a couple of years at Disney Studios in Orlando. This, by the way, would be pretty damn cool. I always wanted to be one of the neon green speed bikers. Yes, I did see the original on laser disk. And for those less in the know, a laser disk it what they used to call DVDs, which were VHS’s, which in turn were called 35 mm film, then flash tray photo negatives, radio, music halls, jug blowing and then pretty much rocks and sticks would clarify the entertainment evolutionary scale.

Tron: Legacy. Jeff Bridges is hot. No I am not gay, though he is a handsome man at any age. He is America’s Sean Connery. And he is also hot Hollywood wise. What he touches is gold or Oscar. From Iron Man to this month’s Christmas release of True Grit. But not Tron. This movie will make a crap load of money, probably go into sequels and Mickey Mouse will continue his plans of global domination.

And you know I am okay with all three. Tron delivers what it promises. Bridges is a delight in anything. And Disney taking over the Holy Land and charging admission would probably bring about peace in the Middle East.

And besides my dreams of global resolutions over religious conflict. If you like action and having your senses overloaded, do yourself a favor, check it out and thank whatever religious head honcho you pray to that Will Smith was not cast for the part to jiggy things up a bit diversity wise.

Please fill out the information below completely and accurately. Items marked with an asterisk (*) are required. Warning: may cause suicide

February 8, 2011

Dear Job Websites-

I am seeking new employment. However, whenever I see a position that looks exciting, for which I have the proper skill set and associated experience, and one that I would ultimately want to apply for, I face something called the “employer’s application.”

The gauntlet begins: I am thrown into a round of mindless input of information readily available on my resume: including contact information, previous work experience, job descriptions, and much more. What’s the point of the resume if I need to fill out these blank boxes? Or better phrased, why do I need to put in information that’s already available on my resume? If I get through this level (gulp), I see what awaits me on the next round: a 30 minute survey of behavioral interview questions to quantify my interpersonal, organizational, and leadership qualities. Apparently, they want to know if I “agree, disagree, somewhat agree, somewhat disagree, or not applicable.” (double gulp)

The unemployment rate recently dropped to 9%. Unfortunately, that’s not because more companies are hiring. In fact, in January, the private sector only added 36,000 jobs. The number has gone down because people have given up looking for work. The government doesn’t consider you “unemployed,” if you’re aren’t looking for work. To be unemployed, involves two requirements 1) not have a job and 2) be looking for a job. You don’t count if you’ve given up.

Over 15 million people lost their jobs during the recession, and many have been out of work for longer than 6 months. Some have been unemployed for a year, some even two years. Not only do these people face a challenging job market, where there are simply not enough jobs to go around and too many qualified people to fill them, but the insult to injury, is the ‘dark abyss’ of the employer job application.

Each of these generic applications can take upwards of 20-30 minutes. Factor in another 30 minute assessment, fine-tuning cover letters, and the actual original job search, and you get an unwieldy amount of time spent on applying to even ONE job. My question is: why? Why do companies; large, global, goliath, major institutions of profit, partake in something that is so inefficient, wasteful, annoying, and frustrating?

My first possible explanation is they consider it a “barrier to entry.” In other words, if you really want this job, you’ll sit through the mindless input, possibly followed by a 30 minute round of behavioral questions, just to be considered. That’s the shocker. You could spend all of this time and energy, to submit an application, when the employer knows very well they would never hire you based off a 10 second glance of your resume. So is their goal to reduce the number of applications?

I’ve attempted to send my resume to real people, using various networking and research vehicles online: LinkedIn, google searches, etc. My hope is to circumvent the wasteful time suck that is the employer job website application. The response is typical, “thank you for forwarding your resume to me, however, we can not consider applicants without ……”

At that moment, I hear a shrill scream from inside my mind. The job application on the company website is UNAVOIDABLE. It seems the lengthy application may have something to do with documenting equal opportunity employment screening.

It can not go on like this. Very capable workers have given up hope of finding a job and I can promise you that this senseless application process is a major part of it. We need to innovate here and change the status quo. Attention Entrepreneurs: the market has a need and you can fill it. If companies insist on having information in piecemeal format, we can set up a main online company that provides this format to companies. Consider what Careerbuilder or Monster do, and make it the standard.

So, if they insist on knowing the dates I worked at TPT, or how much I got paid, they can have it in its own little box for perusal. In other words, when I apply and send my resume, I can also send a form that gives them their desired knowledge of my work past, but without the manual input required for EACH website. Now, I can apply to 100 jobs a day, versus 10. Life is a game of numbers and this would increase the chances of garnering employment, of reducing stress and aggravation, and simply be more efficient and simple.

Personally, in the interlude, I have decided NOT to apply to any job that requires a job application. If a company doesn’t value my time and energy, I can not take the time or energy to apply.

I went to college. I can input information into a box if asked and if needed. And I can promise that the information will be accurate. But doing it 10x a day, 7x a day, for an unclear amount of time, I will not. I repeat I went to college. I know how to think and make choices for myself. I know that problems are often complex and unemployment is a major problem now. We can talk about stimulus, tax cuts, work programs, entitlements, unemployment benefits, aggregate demand, consumer confidence, and much more. But, because I went to college, I also know sometimes the simplest solution is often the right one. At this point, I can only ask, “what if there were no asterisks?”

Thank you-
Job Seeker