A life abroad- Costa Rica vol. 2: This time it’s peanut buttery!

One of our writers, Alli Whalen, is teaching English in Costa Rica for a few months. Check back in for her updates on living a quarterlife abroad.

Last time you heard from me, I was eating a mango on a white, comfy couch. I’ve matured so much since then; rather than simply slicing fruit and eating it, I’ve actually tried baking in my Costa Rican kitchen. Actually, baking might be overstating it. I wanted to make peanut butter Rice Crispies squares, and what I wound up with is a sticky mass that I had to cool in a frying pan because I didn’t have anything better to use. Being here, it’s funny how quickly you grow used to replacing your comfort foods with new, weirder items that fill that void. Marshmallows are different here; so is the margarine (if you can call it that). Fortunately, there is an upside: the fruit is unreal. Pineapple, cantaloupe and watermelon have become the refreshment I’ve come to crave more than water to quench my thirst. And the sunsets are spectacular! And the endless blue skies! And the smiles on peoples’ faces! There is still so much that surprises me every day, and so many new experiences to tell you about. This truly is the right thing to do for the unsatisfied, daydreamy, lookin’-for-adventure-and-whatever-comes-my-way twenty-something. Dearest Reader, you’ve got to try this.

In a span of slightly less than three weeks, here are some of the things I’ve done: taught a series of ESL classes for the first time and had many success and a few awkward, quasi-failures (more on that later); midwifed a pitbull; ridden on the back of a motorcycle with a bag of chicken in one arm and a pair of mops in the other, like a hungry knight on her way to battle (don’t worry Mom, I hung on and wore my helmet); seen a real live monkey crossing a road; lounged at a beach all day just to see the sun sink into the ocean; tried fish tacos for the first time (amazing!); attended a local city festival of unknown origin where everyone was dressed like cowboys; smelled more horse poop than I ever dreamed I could do without being sick; shrieked as a 6-inch grasshopper hopped monstrously in front of our camera; eaten vast amounts of gallo pinto (rice and beans); had a brief fling with food poisoning; and sunned myself to a shade of golden brown currently unattainable in wintry Canada. Horse poop and food poisoning aside, isn’t that cool??

Let’s zoom in on a few specifics. I love where I live: The small community of Comunidad is warm and friendly, with a school, shops, and restaurants (or sodas, as they are called here) lining the main road. The neighbours have dogs and cute kids, the corner stores sell fresh fruit and there is a nice, sunny patch of lawn in my backyard that is perfect for tanning and drying laundry. Everyone says hello to one another, and when a car honks and you expect some obnoxious teenager to throw a tub of yogurt at you, it’s nothing but a friendly arm waving out the window instead. Not bad.

I walk to the local school every morning to teach – class starts at 8 am and it’s already boiling hot outside. My classroom is rectangular with high ceilings and two fans that look like they could spin much faster but just don’t have the energy.
Teaching is so interesting. I had figured my students to be youthful, eager and friendly. I was right about young and friendly, but just like any student in class at 8 am, they aren’t always bright eyed and jumping to answer questions. Indeed, I have danced and shouted and widened my eyes at them, looking for an answer: What’s your name? Who has a job? Who has a favorite band? Who can spell the word “Monday”? They’re not stupid. They’re shy, and those moments of silence after I’ve given them my all can be frustrating, especially with teenagers. I’ve got one group who are like a Latino Breakfast Club. It’s surprising but I have the most trouble with teen girls! Who knew? My other group of teens, consisting of boys in big running shoes and cut-off tank tops, had me panicked. Think you get over being in high school when you’re in your twenties? Think again. Anyway, it turns out that they’re my favorite class – they’re loud and fun, but individually sweet and eager to learn; they laugh at my jokes and they erase the blackboard for me after class – that’s enough to win my heart.

I’ve realized that with teaching, you’ve got to expect the unexpected. An elderly woman joined one of my morning classes and I was worried she would fall behind, or be grouchy and difficult. Naturally I was completely wrong. She’s amazing! She’s one of the best students and during a game of competitive hangman against a teammate, she actually snatched the marker off my desk (beating her opponent with speed) and, grinning, strolled up to the board and spelled her word-challenge- perfectly. Another one of my students, Orlan, is perpetually trying to be a bad-boy, but has revealed to me over and over again that he’s a sweetheart who just wants to become fluent in a new language. Last class, he handed me a scrap of paper that said “Hapy day of woman”. I thought it was some kind of weird joke, but I threw it in my bag of supplies to show the other teachers. Later I found out that it was Woman’s Day in Costa Rica, and that he had attempted to give me the equivalent of a greeting card. I’ll keep that paper forever!

I am constantly touched by the earnestness of my students. They’ve got so much character, and though they can be difficult or shy or chatty, to see the look of pride on their faces upon finally learning to pronounce the word “server” (after saying “serber” over and over again) is so inspiring. There is a shy boy in class who I feared wouldn’t progress because he would never enunciate loud enough to be heard. We were learning “I’m _______. What’s your name?” “ I’m _______. Nice to meet you.” Imagine my pride and surprise on that first class when he was the last one to leave and turned back with a smile and called “Nice to meet you!” I hope I never forget the way that made me feel. I feel like I understand why people fall in love with teaching, and why so many quarterlifers head to teacher’s college to seek a career that might just be worth it.

Now, coming back to teaching young people – it’s not always easy. They’re always taIking or fidgeting or looking at me blankly. Is this karma wagging its finger in my face for all of the times I wrote notes or giggled during tests? To return the universe to proper balance, I feel that I must give a shout-out to all teachers of my education past. I admire you so much more for sticking with us students who made class discussion as easy and fun as falling from a plane and landing in a cactus garden. Dr. Whiting, I’m sorry I stared at you with lips clamped shut and eyes glazed; Mr. Novitski, I’m sorry for laughing at you when you burped unexpectedly while speaking to us in grade 8; Mrs. Frauhauf, I’m sorry that the mean girls laughed at you, and that I didn’t stick up for you even though I thought you were so cool; Dr. Hewson, I’m sorry for peeling the membrane off of each slice of grapefruit I ate in your discussion group; and finally, to Ms. Bramwell, I’m sorry that Leslie, Kyle and I played Dare every class when we were supposed to be working on our creative writing, even though I know you secretly thought it was funny. I’m sorry. I get it now.

I’m going to sign off for tonight and watch the Oscars that I missed while in class. I can’t wait to find out who won! I’ll leave you with my best wishes for a warm week in March, and my recipe for a tasty treat when all you’ve got is a craving for sweets and a corner store in Latin America.

Alli’s Pan ‘o Cereal
3 bags of marshmallows (sounds like a lot but there are about nine per bag here)
1 box of the cheapest cereal you can find – in this case, Corn Flakes
4 tablespoons of peanut butter
2 tablespoons of cooking oil
1 saucepan
1 frying pan

Pour oil into the the saucepan. Wait for it to heat up. Keep waiting. Realize you have turned the wrong burner on. Turn on correct burner and watch the oil begin to move around the pan. Add the marshmallows and peanut butter. Begin stirring the marshmallows and note that the peanut butter is melting nicely but the mallows remain curiously whole. Stir impatiently and note no difference. Turn burner up to 3 (only goes as high as 6). Stir continuously, imagining that you see little strings of meltiness. Realize you are only fooling yourself and wonder what the heck these things are made of. Boldly turn burner up to 4. Finally mallows are melting into a gooey, peanut-buttery ball. Add cereal and stir with a vengeance. As you turn off the burner, realize you haven’t got a baking pan and search frantically for anything that will hold your precious creation. Find a large frying pan, chuckle to yourself, and sheepishly transfer cereal mix to pan and spread evenly. Place pan in fridge to cool for 20-30 minutes. Open fridge later and wonder why you have a frying pan full of hamburger-nacho stir-fry you don’t remember making. Realize this is the dessert you invented and that it’s supposed to look appealing. Taste-test. Nod approval and relish in the weird yet snack-worthy creation you have nobly made with what you had on hand in a foreign country. Enjoy!

Alice: A Quarterlife Rolemodel

“Who are you”, said the Caterpillar.

Alice replied rather shyly, “I–I hardly know, sir, just at present– at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

This Spring Break, with Mr. Johnny Depp’s soon to be Oscar securing role in Mr. Tim Burton’s “Alice” I got to thinking about that long time fantasy character. Not Depp, Alice! I am totally 100% not gay. I mean Depp is cool and all that, but I am talking about Alice here. Okay, she is like 13 and I should not admit I was day dreaming about her, but I was seriously pondering her role in the big picture of the literary masterpiece and one of my favorite surreal Disney classics. Not to mention she just might be a pretty good role model for QL ladies.

Alice is the cute Victorian blonde bombshell that was the precursor to all dainty literary, movie or television English chica roles who lose their way only to find what they were really looking for was an altogether different way at looking at the world.

Ya, we know…the original author took some drugs, so did Alice, possibly had a thing for the Mad Hatter and do not get me on the whole mushrooms with “long stems.” By the way, what do you call a mushroom with a long stem…?

…A fun-guy! Get it? Fungi? Play on words…kind of thing…Ba da ba! Okay, not that good of a joke. Moving on…

This adventuresome Alice is a daydreamer, a fuss about rules, breaking them and a bit of a pain in the ass at times. Not unlike yourself…

And maybe or maybe not like the girls down the office hall in marketing, Alice (like you can) faces her challenges and shows real belly fire when she kicks ass behind the looking glass. That’s a mirror for those whose vocabulary is more text-ease than the Queen of Heart’s English. Like Alice…go ahead take a look in your mirror. Do you kick bootie on a daily basis? Are you all you can be ¼ life wise? Granted, Alice and you are not some she-Ninja video game icon, pop culture Lady Gaga or WNBA star. Alice is hip-heroine of times gone by when Xbox was a book. Pop culture was a hand drawn Disney cartoon. And the WNBA? Well no one still really cares about that.

You? You too can be one of the legions of QL hip heroines. And that is coming from me…a dude. I believe in ya! Go down the rabbit hole and follow the ways of Alice. Sum up…Have Alice-like Quarter Life Curiosity, Courage and Change.

First. I need to get this out there. Ladies, never, ever drink the punch. How Alice thought it was a good idea to swallow a potion with a note attached saying, “Drink Me” is beyond us. College frat guys would love a few more Alice types at their next kegger.

Despite this one tragic flaw, Alice has the three C’s:

Curiosity, Courage and Change.

Curiosity. Alice is as inquisitive about her new world as you all should be in the 20-somethings. What you think you know should be challenged, what you might have known will probably turn out to be somewhere in the gray areas of life. And what you could not have possibly even fathomed…well there is a wow factor when your curiosity about life pays off. Now some of you ladies might say this kind of trust in the world around you can lead to some sorrow and disappointment. Yet, on the other hand it can lead to great adventures through and on this side of your looking glass. And what is a little tragedy compared to the lessons learned leading to a triumph of QL proportions?

Word of caution. If you see a talking rabbit…do not follow it. You have eaten some bad sushi or the tequila worm. Curiosity sometimes kills the Cheshire cat.

Courage. This is one thing that Alice has deep inside. All she had to do was realize it. In the end she understands that she always possessed the mammaries to face the unknowns of life’s Wonderland. She went in headfirst into that rabbit hole. She faced the ridiculous, meaningless riddles of people and rules of society in her run in with the Mad Tea Party. (No reference to political activist group) Finally, she stood up for herself, played her cards right and denounced the trumped up charges against her from the Queen of Hearts.

Let’s put it into comparative context. Alice might be a metaphor for a recent graduate QL temp who jumps into a new job, has to put up with the fudge-faced policies and procedures of a messed up company. She is overworked, overlooked and underfed. The last part is because the firm’s partners always get the first pickens of Jason’s Deli sandwiches at meetings. She is usually stuck with the questionable tuna. At some point, the proverbial office crisis doo-doo hits the fan and some soul sucking mid-level manager blames her. Would you put up with this kind of crap? Alice would not and neither would you!

Change. You can start out one-way and end up on a completely new road to thinking, feeling and being. It is called in some therapy circles: maturity. Novel concept I know…little scary and way cool at the same time.

Alice starts as a child and then struggles with adolescent changes to become a mature young lady. Though it is with a dope smoking caterpillar and the tyrannical bitch ruler of Wonderland. Yet, who doesn’t have a few friends and a boss or mother-in-law like this? Alice shows us we must first get through the crazy parts of our youth (also counts for you twenty-thirty-something’s) in order to truly understand the wonders and responsibilities of adulthood.

Curiosity, Courage and Change.
Alice shows us that in coming full circle with our own growth takes curious thoughts and actions. She reveals courage is needed to face breaking and obeying some of life’s rules and to give meaning to “our” story…”your” image in the mirror. She gives us the sense that change is at the very core of us all and should be embraced as it comes with experience.

So there is my rant. Kind of a little advice column from a guy who once had a trip similar to Alice’s. Codeine and Red Bull. Whew!

A life abroad- Costa Rica

One of our writers, Alli Whalen, is teaching English in Costa Rica for a few months. Check back in for her updates on living a quarterlife abroad.

I’m sitting on a very comfortable couch with white, overstuffed cushions while eating slices of slippery, fresh mango. The lighting is fairly dim in the early evening, and the jazz music that plays in the background gives the room a very luxurious, classy feel. I am the only one here at the moment, and I am relishing my solitude with the music. It’s more than that though; a gecko ran up the bathroom wall earlier, and there is a bowl on the coffee table filled with local coral and sea shells. The words written on the bowl say it all: Costa Rica, which is where I find myself. What the heck?

Late last night, myself and my partner in all that is quarter-life landed in Liberia, a city that lies within the Guanacaste province of Costa Rica. After a very long day of terminal-jumping, altitude headaches and learning that one should always, always, always pack food to eat on the airplane in case they don’t give you anything, we were feeling pretty worn out. As the plane landed in our final destination, I was relieved but wearily awaiting the ordeal of customs lineups, security checks and lost luggage. How could Continental NOT have lost our luggage after three flights?

I’m glad to say I was wrong. As soon as we climbed down the stairs to the tarmac, the beautiful humidity of a balmy, summery night washed over me. I was delighted to have forgotten about open-air airports – no stuffy, recycled oxygen! And even more to celebrate: we breezed through customs and immigration within ten minutes. Not even the disturbing sight of my shadow – revealing a silhouette of humidity- frizzed hair that resembled a drowned clown wig – could get me down. I still had my doubts about the luggage, but lo and behold, it was calmly awaiting us, all three pieces sitting next to one another. Sheepishly, I grabbed my suitcase and hopped in the car that took us to our new home for the next two and a half months.

You may have guessed at what I’m doing here, which is volunteer-teaching the English language to the local communities in the city of Comunidad (an easy name to remember). Having taken an ESL teaching training course with United TESOL in Ottawa, I had finally made the first move in a process many a twenty-something has considered or experienced: teaching overseas.

A few years have gone by since my first Quarterlives article about the “McJob” – a basic job one is generally overqualified for and does not inspire one’s passion. Well, after recent months of not finding any job, “Mc” or otherwise, I got a little restless. Like so many others, I had toyed with the idea of teaching overseas, educating others and opening my mind to all sorts of new experiences and adventures. It takes guts, though, to hop on a plane and fly many cramped hours through the earth’s atmosphere to land in a place where nobody knows your name, let alone speaks your language. I’ve always wanted to travel more but have been wary of going it alone, far away from my loved ones, comfortable routines and, you know, hot showers and Pavarazzi pizza delivery. But I found myself at a point in my life where the idea of escaping the grey, bone-chilling winter with someone who makes overseas travel not so scary sounded pretty ideal.

A good a time as ever, right? I went through with it: the ultimate, quarterlifer fall-back plan has become my reality.
This brings us full-circle to my fruit-sticky hands mucking up the keyboard of my laptop and reggae Radiohead covers making me feel at home in a new place. For someone who was afraid to travel, I’m finding that I can’t wipe the smile off of my face, and that I’m curiously awaiting my first week of ESL teaching, starting next Monday. Change isn’t always easy, and I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing when I decided to go, but I’m counting all of the lucky pennies I ever picked up and feeling extremely grateful to be here. Wading into the ocean waters off of the Papagayo Peninsula and drinking a chocolate-banana smoothie to cool the intense heat beaming down on Comunidad, I felt a pretty fantastic realization happening: the world is large, and rather than feeling lost in it, I’ve found a surprisingly comfortable place in the role of traveler. So, balls to the wall! Onward and upward! Maybe I’ll change my tune next week when I’m trying to teach verb tense to a bunch of overheated 15-year olds, but for now I think the hardest part is over, and if I can do it, so can you. It’s better than sitting around and waiting for something to happen. Try it if you may find yourself in those old shoes of mine. If nothing else, come on down and pay me a visit; I’ll buy you a mango.
Until next week, pura vida!

Career Therapy: Getting professional help when the going gets tough

Intro: Deciding to get therapy

Have you ever considered getting professional help for your quarterlife crisis and general career confusion?  Maybe my personal experience will be helpful to you.  Recently, something at work triggered my search for a therapist who specializes in career counseling.  Partially for the sake of exploration for this blog, and partially because I really think it will be  helpful, I’ve started this “column” to document my experience with the counselor anonymously.

The other day, an event occurred at work that made me loathe my work environment more than usual.  It wasn’t so far from the usual things I deal with, but it was just a bad day that made me reevaluate my purpose at work and where I wanted to go with my career.  Typical stuff.  Granted, I’ve been going through the quarterlife crisis for months now.  In general, I’ve dealt with it quite well because of the resources at my disposal, including this blog, as well as a strong support network.  In any case, for reasons beyond disliking my job, I decided it was time to take real action.

Here’s how I got started.

A very close friend studies psychology and is a practicing therapist.  This friend suggested awhile ago, long before I seriously considered it, to reach out to a professional therapist for career help.  I didn’t take the advice too seriously at first because I thought therapy would be expensive.  When I reconsidered recently, the friend provided references.

I reached out to the therapist that was most highly recommended.  The therapist has a Psy.D. and has practiced for years, with one of her specializations in career guidance.  Again, I was worried about cost.  But here comes the big surprise.  It was news to me that therapy is covered by many health insurance plans.  In fact, after calling mine, it turns out that each session would cost me just $30.  Out-of-pocket, the sessions would have been $150+.  I don’t think I have to point out the obvious irony, but I will: My company’s healthcare plan is helping me figure out my next career steps.  It makes a lot of sense for companies to provide therapeutic support for their employees.  If this works out, it would theoretically make me a more productive worker.  Happily, I booked my first session with Dr. R, who was accommodating enough to schedule me for the next day.

Here’s a few suggestions on how you can get started.

If you’ve done career exploration on your own already, and you feel like you need someone else — a coach, therapist or counselor — to help you sort through all of it, I would encourage giving counseling a try.  Start by looking for a general therapist who specializes in career guidance and life transitions, or look for a specialized office dedicated to career counseling or coaching.  They should be able to provide references or statements from their past clients that will give you a better idea of their background and experience.  If you do not have a friend who can give you personal recommendations as in my case, definitely do your homework.  Compare your options carefully.

Next, if you are on a budget, check to see if your insurance covers it and what the co-pay is.  The therapist should be able to give you a general idea, but only your insurance company can give you a definite answer. Then, book your appointment and give your new counselor a try.  There is no promising that the relationship will work out, so make sure you are comfortable.  My therapist offered the option of a complimentary consultation session the first time.  See if this is the case in your situation.  Once you try it out and find the him/her to be a good fit, then decide whether or not you want this to be an ongoing relationship.

Lastly, I want to point out that going to a counselor/coach/therapist doesn’t mean your personal exploration ends.  Professional help is only a guiding force, and I realize the powers of change are within me and within me alone.

If you decide to give this a try, good luck!

Stay tuned…my next post will focus on the experience of my first session.

¼ Life Lingo: Vocabulary No One in the Quarter Life Should Be Without

Lingo: “Like, my total Melvin roomie dissed me and that’s after he mooched my Rb’s from the R2D2 and sexiled moi with his corner window cubicle countess von vagicula!”

Queen’s English translation: “My complete nerd roommate was very disrespectful after taking my Red Bulls from the fridge and locking me out while he had an overnight, female guest of questionable moral nature, you know the one…that bartender chick, from Hurricane Harry’s. Yea the one with the mermaid tattoo. Well, I don’t know if anything else is pierced. Why are you asking me, I am not the one who went trolling? Give the third degree to your other roommate. I am just writing an article for Quarter Lives here. Huh? I cannot hear ya. I have a funny habit of typing what I pick up audio wise and what I am saying out loud!

Well, did you use a rubber? Fudge, man. Go get a blood test. Huh? No I do not know if your HMO covers it. What? Yes, I am DVRing Man vs. Wild. Bear will be on tonight! Okay…sheesh…I have to type here. Go hooka and check your E-Trade account.”

Sorry about that. On with things…

Every generation has its traditions, history, people and places. Later these become fodder for late night comedians, history books and for their camp value. “Conan! We will miss you!) Yet in such self-contained micro-cultural universes, there arise unique words, slang and general sets of vernacular usage better known as “lingo”. It’s possible to hold an entire conversation between two fellow generationals where an outsider would be totally clueless. And you can keep that up in your ¼ life at the office, at home, at a party, gym, homecoming, texting session and in the bedroom…with a simple list of what is hot and not vocab.

Although dialect peculiarities occur from person to person, culture to nation, etc, there is a pretty good chance that most ¼ life tongue (pierced or otherwise) can be used to get you by in any institution. The breath and span of this vocab speak can include: new words, strange combinations of clichés, flavor of the month comedy skits from Saturday Night Live and one particularly useful and fascinating part of the Quarter Life vocabulary – the acronym. This little handy dandy device is very popular. If a phrase, idea or concept can be crammed into letters with dots…we will use it.

Here is just a small sampling of words and phrases used today. Knowing them could make the difference between making you a fresh or fab fool. You probably get the gist of what those mean…

154 – Police code for underage drinking. Okay you may not need this much, but they are still IDing you at the grocery store.
Addi-paddi – Extreme attitude.
Club-a-saurus – A clueless first timer to a rave.
All over it – To have things in control.
Alpha Tech – The male or female who “rules” the tech help desk.
B-POO – Bitter, Party Of One. “Your table is ready. Bitter, Party of One!”
Bad Juju – Negative Karma man!
Badassical – Beyond the best thing ever!
Bag Monsters – The creature which sneaks up and pulls you to bed against your will.
Samsonite – Emotional issues ex. “She has more baggage than an airport!”
Bio-hazard – That nasty encrusting film on your cell phone and computer keyboard.
Body Nazis – Personal trainers, HMOs and that one chick or dude you walk by in the hall around noon who took their lunch hour to work out. Damn! I hate those people!
Cash Cow – ATM “I need to milk the cash cow before we go out.”
Credit Cops – Those never-ending phone calls from credit cards, your cell phone company and student loan officers.
Crushing – Having a little puppy love for someone.
Cubicle-cest – Dating a person from workplace.
D&D – Doritos and Dew…or a quick, snack filled breakfast or conference call break.
Damaged Goods – The recently dumped who has gone totally insane since then. Not enough meds in the world to help this one.
Damien – Mean or evil person.
Diss – To disrespect or blow off.
Dot slash – Indicating a conversation is over or the decision is final.
Drama – Dating two or more people at the same time.
Fab & Fresh – Fabulous and highly motivated newbie.
Fifteen Minute Rule – Rule allowing former college students to leave a class when professor is late fifteen minutes. Same goes for any meeting, podcast, web chat, date or bar tab.
Frisbee – The sport or the day old pizza.
Frontload – To eat or drink before the actual meal or party.
Frumping – To be dressed in sweats and anything you would wear during a hangover, period, power point meeting presentation or your past academic finals.
G2G – Gots To Go.
GAFF – Give A Flying #$%!…fudge.
H.S.I. – Has Some Issues – phrase used to describe someone your ex.
Hadda – Had to do something.
Handy-dandy – 1. useful 2. cute boy.
Hibernator – Kind of like a short time co-worker. You know the check-out and waiting for their last day or the pink slip. This is a new twist. This person sits on their job, seeks no promotion, works only enough not to get fired, never does or says anything…because work might get him or her noticed and then fired.
Horizontal Engineering – napping.
I for one welcome our new ‘insert word’ overlords – Phrase exhibiting displeasure at the new leadership. Political. Group Project Leader. New Boss. Etc.
Interactive – Touchy, feely person.
JAFO – A bad dude. Jack Ass Fudge Off.
Keep digging, Watson – Not quite there genius.
Kool-aide – Cheap well drinks or anyone who follows the latest fad, trend or brainwashed fashion. See electoral college, GOP or ACORN.
Langerrhea – Diarrhea of the mouth…”He just kept talking and talking…”
Like – No meaning, conversation filler ex. “He was like, I mean, like so super ticked off that I did not call.”
Lollipop – Easy, no problem, not difficult.
M.P.A. – Mysterious Party Accident – unexplained events occurring while partying.
MacGyver – Ability to accomplish anything. “Damn! What can that girl not do?”
Mackable – Yummy.
Mackadocious – Super yummy. Sexually, physically, cute-wise or just that warm fuzzy feeling you get from a grilled cheese sandwich.
Mouse potato – To spend too much time on the computer.
Mucho – Added to give any matter greater importance.
Mugging down – Anything before dry humping.
Munchapoloozas – Consuming gross amounts of food.
My bad – Implying fault while apologizing ex. “Dude. Who broke the blender?” – “Sorry, my bad.”
Mythological – Someone who is just so godly as to make you want to puke…it is as if their farts would smell like warm cinnamon buns!
Nada – nothing.
Naughty Kitty – Bad rep.
Negative Ghostrider – 80’s movie “Top Gun” line. No go proposition.
Neighbro – The handy man boy neighbor who will do anything for you despite having zilch chances at ever getting some.
Niccin’ – Nicotine fit.
Nilla – Plain or lacking excitement.
Off like a prom dress in May – Horny.
Paint job – Spray tan or new tattoo ink…and heaven forbid henna!
Playing House – A dating couple who practically live together.
Prep Snooze – The act of sleeping off a big night or in preparation for one.
Tempitute – Never gonna be hired permanent type. Advice: Invite he/she for drinks and the salsa bar during next week’s hump day office get together. Mug down or worse…or better. Be callous and move on with life.
Prozac Shot – Cookie dough.
Raccoon – One of your sisters crying uncontrollably making her make up rung and thus looking like the masked rodent.
Ragamuffin – Untrimmed…ANYWHERE!
Ragu-boy-r-dee – Your period or in rare cases your boyfriend who does not mind trolling for vampires while you are entertaining guests like Aunt Flow.
Rainbow yawn – The long, arcing multi-colored puke of a good night, but bad morning.
Rents – Parents.
Rowzers – Exclamation of fear or distress.
Same diff – Same thing…who cares?
Sargasm – To fake it.
Sexiled – Kicked out of your place while your roomie has a “friend” over.
Shacking – Spending the night at your “friends.” See also sexiled.
Shatnerian – To be overly dramatic – refers to the acting style of William Shatner – aka Captain Kirk.
Splenda – Laying it on a bit thick sugar, fun or pleasant size.
T.C.G. – The Computer Guy in the computing center…ergo the pimple faced Warcraft player who landed a 6 figure job, has total employment security and who you sexually shunned. Or if you are the TCG…good for you!
-Geek!
Uber – Beyond awesome…UBER AWESOME!
Umpteen – Infinite or great in number.
Velveeta – Cheesy.
Verbally Disembowel – Worse than any throw down, nail scratching, hair pulling bitch fest. It is when your words do such proper….dare we say…awesome damage as to leave your victim worse off than an actually disemboweling by a six foot medieval bastard sword could have!
Waboosh – Dat’s all messed!
Walk of shame – Being seen sneaking out of anyone’s place after a mistaken “sleepover”
Walkman – Any old cell phone or media techie player.
Wang Chung – Old.
X-File – The old photo album of exs, college days, prom, etc. Which you either need to turn over to mum for storage or burn in some sort of exorcism ritual.
Zombied – To pull an all-nighter for studying, MS certification, TPS reports, drinking, Facebooking, etc.

There that is enough for now. It’s not like your sound bite prone ¼ life brain could absorb more than this. Screen capture the words and send them to an Excel spreadsheet and vow to use one new word a day til someone notices how hip you are, laughs at ya or with you, or is stunned by your total lack of moral character. Don’t blame me or this website…I wish I could make this shit up.

Soccer Mom Wanna-be?

For personnel in higher education there has been a recent phenomenon of young undergrad females not going on to their freshman or senior dreams, first marketing cubicle job, grad school or relying, as so many, on moving back with Mom and Dad ’til things get better employment wise. Looks like Dad’s rumpus or Mother’s reading room are safe for now.

What has been noticed by career and behavioral counselors is a spike in young ladies choosing to seek a mate immediately and pop out kids. Ergo, going for the soccer mom ASAP. Some have suggested this new trend has to do with the war mother demographic…higher numbers in the military have always equaled more war brides. I am sure a fifteen year high in teenage pregnancies also has a factor. But, mostly as a higher ed type myself…it is the economy stupid.

The unknown, fear of jobless years, no 401K, health care either coming or going…and general lack of confidence in hope…well it might just be natural to think domestic engineering as a good fall back. Hell, I am all for good mothers for our kids. Wish we had more. But, I also never wish to see young coed grads dissing themselves and the world of opportunities before them.

Do they want to be a fictional character? Finding that being a real “soccer mom” is about as easy as finding Elvis picking up Bigfoot hitchhikers in his UFO. It just ain’t gonna happen! The term soccer mom started in the mid 1990’s with more and more women entering the workforce and trying to subsequently balance professional and maternal responsibilities.

When added to the growing generation of spoiled brats, the myth was born of a super, well kept, organized, PTA attending, check, credit card balancing, relying off the man and da Man, mother of 2.5 kids…that at the end of the day became an exhausted, frazzled, short on time and dinner on the go…go-go girl. She could do everything! At least on car commercials.

So if you do want to be such…here is what you will need!

1. SUV, wagon, or minivan. A sedan can work in a pinch, but only a Volvo or Audi. Sorry those are the rules.
2. Have a child involved in some sport that requires a great amount of equipment, red fruit drink and mud. Oh, and the kid has to be allergic to red dye #5. Sends him or her into a bi-polar fit.
3. Before you say “I do” realize it is just a starter marriage.
4. Wear skinny jeans only your imaginary daughter and waistline should put on.
5. Own at least one Rachel Ray cookbook.
6. Have at least one toddler with a sippy cup to spill.
7. Member of or aspiring membership to the Junior League.
8. Perfect hair.
9. Give up…at least for the next 15 years…all of your professional dreams.
10. A renewal of childhood affections with Happy Meals.
11. Platinum band with tri-set diamond engagement ring. Total karat weight at least 1.5.
12. Have a complete hysterectomy, be menopausal or have your period stop altogether.
13. Be thin.
14. Always stay thin.
15. Chase after the dreams of your other college friends.
16. Lovely blue dress suit or business casual pants suit…you never wear.
17. Be the designated driver for the rest of your life.
18. Use the pregnancy parking spaces way after you had the babies…probably until they are six or older.
19. Kids born potty trained.
20. Abstain from sex ever again…that is how you got into the kid situation.
21. Have AAA or a need to join AA.
22. Get a dog – preferably a Lab, Golden retriever or Saint Bernard. This is a good thing for the image, but not so much for the pooch that will need more walks than you have time for.
23. Be the neighborhood mini-bus for all your kids’ play friends.
24. Live a lie and keep up with the Jones.
25. Your FaceBook page will need to be purged of just about every photo you ever put up.

In other words…you might be asking for the impossible for yourself, your family, your world. You might want to think of it this way…be careful for what you wish for. Just be you and the quarter life wonder of a hip-heroine you already are.

Yes, there are worries about the economic times ahead. Jobs, money, insurance, (a 20’s kid realistically worrying about retirement), student loan payments, careers, pushing out 7 lbs. of human into a scary world….yep…lots to think about. But, no need to jump to conclusions or rash decisions. You went to college, or you put in your time for a career…and exploration of careers…a journey to find out who you are and what this big bad, awesome world is all about.

Just say no to the soccer ball…at least for now. When you do want to put a soccer ball sized bulge in your tummy area…Bend it like Beckham.

Your Quarter Life Place

First. I have not been drinking bong water. Second I do have a big point to make in ten simple to read, snippets. So be patient and read on.

A little back story. Few years back I finally threw out the triple threat paper back book dictionary, thesaurus and quick fact finder set my grandmother thought I needed to go to college with. I am and always have been a Dictionary.com kind of dude. And a rampant term paper plagiarizer. But, that is beside the point.

So I turned to my little online diction friend to consider the word ‘Place.’ Did you know there are over fifty definitions for this simple concept? And here is a wing dinger. It’s origins as a word begins before 950 B.C. It starts with ancient Greek moves through Latin, to Old English, back over the Channel to France and finally ends up in our little cornucopia of modern American nomenclature as essentially, a time and a place. How can you define something with what it is? I know Prez Clinton got away with it, but come on!

Still, with the help of a few lunchable cocktails I was able to concoct a few ideas on this ‘place’ and how it fits into my little piece of earthly real estate. The dictionary types and those Greek dudes from 300 were correct; place is…where, when and how we are. And for our readers that place is the Quarter Life.

Where are you now? A tiny question and with easy reflection one might find humor in your present circumstances. In front of the laptop, on the elliptical, in therapy, on medication, in or out of love, on the job hunt, in a cube, on line, etc.

For others, after pounding a few the night before, during a focused hot yoga session with a speed dating session scheduled later that evening…one might ask great transcendental questions about what my place is in the scheme of the cosmos. But, for now I shall stick to some average places for all of us and maybe choice picks of advice to help out Mr. or Ms. Quarter Life? After exhaustive research I have the typical, run of mill, odds are answers:

The place you are at.

1. You are…in, quit or graduated from college.
Won’t matter much. Bachelor’s degree will get you a chicken nugget fry-o-lator tender job at Hardee’s and a Master’s diploma will put ya in place to move up to salting fries at White Castle. Hey, they both have health plans for part timers.

2. You are…up to now, on average, have had four sexual partners with the first one being at 16.
Seriously? 16? No kidding, this is what the Department of Health and Human Services website says. Damn. Where was I at with my provisional driver’s license at fifteen? But seriously, in the average twenty-aged relationship there is a 15% chance of it becoming a marriage. After which there is a 56% chance it will end in divorce. Have fun.

3. You are…21-29.999999 years of age.
Shut up and deal with it. You are…in a position to change your life today. Do so.

4. You are…online, celling or texting more time than you actually converse with actual human, flesh & bone people. As such, you have checked out Twitter and have no idea why anyone would care.
Congrats! This is a first step into a larger world. You are a twenty-something…something now and have a few notches under your belt. (Not referencing the above sex numbers) You have realized people are social creatures and there is just so much you can do electronically. Get off online and get out. All that computer LCD radiation causes early E.D., baseless Facebook relationship tumors and gave us Two Girls and a Cup. But, before you log off…blog about how you love our website and their charming writers. Ergo…me.

5. You are…on medications and just as worried that the King of Pop, aka Mr. Jackson’s death will make it harder for you to get your “meds.” Do not worry. They tried Prohibition and it tanked. Booze is still legal and you can get medicinal herbs for you glaucoma in Cali. But, you can say good-bye to refills on Ambien. There is still Red Bull. That is why they put Vodka in it.

6. You are…20 lbs overweight or definitely obsessed you might be or will be or have been.
See above the above dealing with it.

7. You are…48% likely female.
Okay, I got that figure from my 7th grade biology class. And I really have nothing in the ways of advice; just merely a statement of facts. Quarter Lifer ladies had the decade past liberating girl power of sex, cities and shop-o-holics to guide them. And despite bro-mance and man-scaping…1/4 Lifer boys changed very little. Just wanted to throw that out there. I guess it is another deal with it.

8. You are…lamenting or celebrating the US Electoral College.
Either way…hold on to the hand rail and please keep your heads and arms inside the bus at all times. It is going to be quite a roller coaster people! But if you are griping about the ride, the state of the world, DO something about it instead.

9. You are…still professing to be a Bob Marley fan.
Stay with me here. Quarter Lifer…college is over or should be. You never knew what Rastafarian love was all about…odds are your parents never did either. Thus your dorm poster was meaningless. But, I bet you are wondering why all these bullshit Millenials are wearing Marley or Che t-shirts and where do they get off doing so? Don’t be hypocritical. We had and still have Lenny Kravitz. That should be enough for all.

10. You are…aware of what kind of underwear you have on. For the .25 life dudes the options have not changed much. You got commando, banana hammock, whitie tighties or boxers. Not so much for the girls. When you were young ya pretty much got the four- pack Neapolitan colored cotton set. Now…oh the choices. Cheekies, boy shorts, thongs, briefs, garters, hip-huggers, thongs, stickies, V-strings, no lines…whew!
Like our undies, comes down to we have choices in life. Choices within the places we reside in our lives. Sometimes too many. Others not enough. Keep it simple quarter types…less stress, less mess no need for life Sham-Wow clean ups. Also for the ladies. If you would like to hit my blog and tell me more about your underwear selection…

…ouch…hey I am typing a serious article here…stop hitting me…give me back the key board…no I was not insinuating we start a 1-900 call center…put down the stapler!

The Origins of the Quarterlife Crisis

For more than a decade, there has been a sharp increase in the number of individuals in their twenties and thirties who are experiencing an existential crisis. They have reported feeling numb, like a bystander in their own life; questioning the deeper meaning of life; not being clear about their adult identity; and wanting a sense of purpose. It is more common for people to go through this during their midlife crisis. However, a midlife crisis is usually triggered by a sense of one’s own mortality.
In 2001, Alexandra Robbins and Abby Wilner coined this phenomenon as a quarterlife crisis. Their book was a tremendous tool for bringing this subject into public awareness. The book presented the different issues that people in their twenties face but did not address how to deal with them. Furthermore, they did not explain why the quarterlife crisis was occurring. Also, the quarterlife crisis is not something that is relegated to your twenties. In fact, many individuals in their thirties are also experiencing a life that is not congruent with their perceptions of what they had thought.
Therefore, what conditions have caused this phenomenon? First, I will explore the term quarterlife crisis. Then I will propose my theory on the psychological rationale, historical influences, and modern day conditions that have brought about this phenomenon to occur. Last, I will offer a direction on how to navigate through this important stage of life.
Psychologically Speaking . . .
The quarterlife crisis can be viewed through a psychological framework. Erik Erickson, a renowned developmental psychologist, theorized that people developed psychosocially through eight different stages. Each stage is signified by a conflict between two opposing phenomenon. Once the struggle is resolved, a person acquires a particular virtue. If a person does not fully resolve the conflict within a stage, that virtue becomes an ongoing issue that persists throughout subsequent stages or until it gets resolved. The following are Erickson’s stages, elements of crisis, and virtue:
1. Infancy: Basic Trust vs. Mistrust. Virtue of hope.
2. Toddler stage: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. Virtue of will.
3. Childhood: Initiative vs. Guilt. Virtue of purpose.
4. Early Adolescence: Industry vs. Inferiority. Virtue of competence.
5. Late Adolescence: Individual Identity vs. Identity Confusion. Virtue of fidelity.
6. Early Adulthood: Intimacy vs. Isolation. Virtue of love.
7. Middle Adulthood: Generativity vs. Stagnation. Virtue of caring.
8. Late Adulthood & Old Age: Ego Integrity vs. Despair. Virtue of wisdom.
Using Erickson’s model, the quarterlife crisis can be seen as reviewing the developmental task of late adolescence. The task of securing one’s identity was not sufficiently accomplished during adolescence; therefore, the young adult continues to struggle with identity issues. This is partially due to the culture of modern day America. Currently there is no system or structure that determines when an adolescent becomes and adult. Furthermore, there is a lack of proper role models and community involvement. Therefore, adolescents are rushed to grow up and pushed into the next stage without a foundation of what it means to be an “adult”. Distinctive in the late adolescence stage is the psychosocial moratorium. Erickson described it as:
A period of free experimentation before a final identity is achieved. Their experimentation with new role, values, and belief systems results in a personal conception of how they can fit into society so as to maximize their personal strengths and gain positive recognition from the community. (Newman & Newman, 2003, p. 357)
In the United States, the moratorium is not nationally recognized so young adults are often criticized for being indecisive or naive. However, this period is essential because without it, a person is forced to make hasty decisions. Individuals in a quarterlife crisis are instinctively drawn towards a moratorium because they were previously not given the proper time or space to wander and explore. Therefore, some will create their own moratorium by job-hopping, serial dating, traveling, or living in a new area. Its duration can vary from a few months to several years. Pressuring them will only exacerbate the struggle and can lead to prolonged anxiety. Therefore, honoring a person’s own sense of timing and space is invaluable during this personal endeavor. The end of the moratorium is usually signaled by the discovery and declaration of one’s identity and purpose.
The virtue that is obtained at the cessation of late adolescence is fidelity, which is the quality of loyalty, faithfulness, and dependability. As a teenager, fidelity is expressed and directed towards other people, such as, with friends, family, or groups. In the case of the quarterlife crisis, a person is claiming fidelity, not to others but to themselves and to their inner-truth. They are determined to declare an adult identity that is more congruent with their true self.
Historical Influences
For thousands of years, humans have naturally matured through all of the stages in life. In modern society, we have lost touch with this organic cycle. However, by looking at nature-based cultures we can recover some of these time-honored traditions. In Nature and the Human Soul, Bill Plotkin (2008) illustrated The Eight Stages of Eco-Soulcentric Human Development as follows. Below are the Erickson psychosocial stages, equivalent eco-soulcentric names, and prominent gifts:
1. Early Childhood: “The Innocent in the Nest”. Luminous presence.
2. Middle Childhood: “The Explorer in the Garden”. Wonder.
3. Early Adolescence: “The Thespian at the Oasis”. Fire.
4. Late Adolescence: “The Wanderer in the Cocoon”. Mystery and darkness
5. Early Adulthood: “The Apprentice at the Wellspring”. Visionary action and
inspiration.
6. Late Adulthood: “The Artisan in the Wild Orchard”. Seeds of cultural
renaissance.
7. Early Elderhood: “The Master in the Grove of Elders”. Wholeness.
8. Late Elderhood: “The Sage in the Mountain Cave”. Grace.
From this model, a person who is in a quarterlife crisis would fall under the fifth stage that is aptly named, “The Wanderer in the Cocoon”. This name emphasizes the moratorium that Erikson pointed out.
To enter into adulthood, the adolescent must go through a rite of passage. One particular rite is the vision quest, an initiation ritual performed by many Native American tribes. It is important to understand a vision quest within the context of the community. Without the support and guidance of the initiated adults, this rite of passage would not be as significant and powerful. Before entering adulthood, an adolescent leaves their tribe and wanders alone into the wilderness in search of a vision. This vision will signify the path that will lead them throughout their adult life. Traditionally, vision quests last several days or until a vision appears. Even though the particulars of a vision quest may be different among tribes, there are some common elements that include wandering, fasting, solitude, and seeking a vision. Each of these elements is crucial in helping the adolescent find their true self. Once the adolescent receives their vision, they return to their tribe and are re-incorporated as a newly initiated adult. This ritual provides meaning and sacredness onto this momentous stage of life.
Currently there is no nationally recognized rite of passage in the United States. Instead, privileges are given once a certain age is reached. In most states, at age 16, a person can get a driver’s license; at age 18 a person can vote; and at age 21, a person can drink alcohol. However, there is no consensus as to what constitutes adulthood. Examining nature-based societies can help us an example of how to designate adolescents from adults.
Modern Day Conditions
Modern America seems far from the idea of instituting moratoriums and rites of passage to determine a person’s identity. Instead, the culture appears to promote the idea that a person’s sense of self be closely associated through one’s job, spouse, or lifestyle. This mentality may have sufficed a few generations ago, however, these institutions are showing their limitations.
For several generations, people’s identities were closely associated with their jobs. Therefore, the idea of a rite of passage may have shifted into a career development model. The career model neglects the significance of adolescents finding their own identity and replaces it with mastering a professional trade. Often a child would start their career in the same industry as their parent. They would begin as an apprentice then advance to a craftsman, artisan, and finally become a master. The child would have a mentor along the way to teach and pass along the knowledge and responsibility of each level. However, with the advancement of technology, new industries have arisen without any mentors to pass along the trade. Therefore, this model seems to becoming outdated. Furthermore, most Americans spend more time at their jobs than anywhere else. Therefore, there is a sense that our jobs “should” be meaningful. However, closely identifying one’s true identity with their occupation can be troublesome. Recently, many long-standing institutions have been crumbling in their credibility. For example, the Enron scandal, collapse of financial institutions, and massive layoffs across industries has created little faith in the legitimacy of the corporate world. Also, company loyalty no longer is a valued commodity as high profile CEOs switch routinely bouncing from one corporation to another. Furthermore, corporations are not as stable as before; long time workers are being laid off after decades of dedicated service. Therefore, work is providing less fulfillment and meaning in people’s lives.
Another way people identified themselves is through their relationships. Marriage has been a respected tradition for recognizing one of the most important relationships. However, the idea that marriage as a sacred institution is being challenged by an increasing rate of divorces, extra marital affairs, and spousal abuse. Many young adults have first-hand experience growing up in these types of homes. Furthermore, more people in their twenties and thirties are going through their own martial problems and divorces. In addition, the definition and rights of marriage are being challenged in the highest courts of law. Therefore, relationships also do not seem to be a secure place to stake one’s identity.
America’s culture of consumerism and materialism has promoted the idea that identity can be bought. As a result, many Americans strive to live a lifestyle beyond their means. There is also a mentality that it is better to look rich than to be rich. However, living an extravagant lifestyle does not seem to lead towards happiness. For example, reality TV shows, portray of rich and famous celebrities who lead dysfunctional lives. Also big lottery winners tend to return to the same level of happiness they had before their win. Therefore, fame and wealth do not seem to provide meaning and substance. At the other end of the spectrum, with the rising cost of living and poor economy, young adults are finding it difficult to reach the standard of living of their parents. This was not the case a generation ago, when children were able to earn a higher standard of living than their parents. Over the past several decades, housing prices have skyrocketed, making owning a home virtually impossible with one income. Therefore, raising a family requires more than one income and often someone else to raise the children. These examples suggest that identity cannot be secured through a certain type of lifestyle either.
What To Do? The Answer is Simple but the Process is Difficult
With the current landscape of society, individuals in their twenties and thirties are struggling to find their identity and purpose. There is little faith that an identity can be confirmed through a job, relationship, or lifestyle. The lack of role models and rite of passages make it even more challenging. Therefore, the question is what to do. Fortunately, the answer is simple: discover your inner truth. However, the process in discovering oneself may not be that simple. The methods I have found most effective in self-discovery are ones that help quiet down outside influences in order to listen one’s innermost thoughts and feelings. Life coaching, therapy, and vision quests are a just a few avenues that facilitate self-awareness at a deep level. As an individual becomes more secure with their identity and purpose, it is much easier for them to then decide the type of career, partner, and lifestyle they truly want. Most importantly, these processes will continue to provide further growth and insight that an individual can use for the rest of their life.

Why “Up in the Air” is a perfect summary of the quarterlife experience

Last weekend, I thought I was going to see the new George Clooney film. Instead, I found myself examining my metaphoric life on film, and loving it.

The main premise of Up in the Air focuses on the routine life of Ryan Bingham (George Clooney), a bachelor whose philosophy is to have as few personal relationships as possible. He flies from one city to another, serving as a “career transition counselor,” helping to ease corporate layoffs. Bingham fondly considers the airport terminals home and his goal in life is racking up American Airlines mileage.

My quarterlife radar turned on when Bingham is forced to work side-by-side with Natalie Keener (Anna Kendrick), an overconfident, tech-savvy, and to be frank – obnoxious fresh Cornell grad. Natalie is uptight where Bingham is suave. She is idealistic where he is realistic. She packs a travel-size neck pillow on her first business trip; he lives life on one carry-on bag. Yet, despite their apparent differences, they find a way to teach each other something new. She learns from him how personal a job can be, and the measure of compassion it takes to be effective. He learns from her that life’s dreams are nothing if they are achieved alone, without anyone to share it with. Each has wisdom to impart and assists in the other’s moment of realization.

Especially for quarterlifers, it’s refreshing to see our most annoying qualities on the big screen and recognize it in ourselves. It’s a gentle but heartwarming reminder that we have so much yet to experience. In the end, the moviegoer is left feeling gratified by Up in the Air. Each part of the film – the humor, the zinger lines, the subtle soundtrack and editing – contributes to make this a very worthwhile experience. Highly recommended.

Friend-thesaurus

We’re talking about amigos, buddettes, bro’s, etc…and maybe for this article more of those in the relationship toxicity department. Here is an interesting, no one ever needs to know fact; the quarterlifers in their childhood Jurassic Park fetish first coined the term Friend-a-saurus. To them, she was the awkward, unattractive girl in a college coed friend group out for ladies’ night in which she precedes to rooster block every male in the club.

Friend-a-saurus is just a label, but does indeed describe a friend most of us have. The rest of the above night’s story might have gone like this…she had your best interests at heart, knew that dude was no good, you were on the rebound anyways and since you two have been girlfriends since ya got your periods together back in 7th grade…well she is your sister; always has your back.

What other ¼ life friends are out there? Are they indeed just labels? Or do such peg them exactly. Fortunately we have the Friend-thesaurus.

Phony Promise Breaking Bitch – PPBB. Self explanatory.

Houdini – Always disappearing. Somehow they are still your friend, but you cannot even remember the last time you hung out for something outside of a random lunch of chicken tenders at the campus student center. Note to self: Was she my Freshman Orientation roomie?

Born Again, Again and Again Christian (or insert any religion or fanaticism) – Makes a stance on everything religious. Somehow she was also able to reinvent the Delta house night where nothing ever happened.

LGBT…ABCXYZ – Whatever the vogue initials of gender identification, simply two kinds. One is just a normal guy or gal, like you and I & pretty darn cool. The other uses every opportunity as a platform to propagate their sexual choices.

Shrink – Analyzer. Advisor. Anal-retentive About…YOU. This can be a good thing. And a best friend should have aspects of someone you could spend couch time with.

Theater/Drama Queen – Everyone has one. And if not…it is you!

Soprano/Gangster – Humor them til they get their ass kicked.

Daredevil or Dare-Demoness. Either way they seem to always find a way to always put their physical, fiscal or emotional lives at risk…with you sometimes along for the ride.

Gossip Girl – Do I have to explain this one?

Copycat – Okay. We get it. You want to be like me or the gang. Enuff! If you have one of these, tolerate’m. It’s flattering and a times, can inflate your own sagging ego. But, if they touch your patented massage move, time to bring in mediation.

The Caretaker – Can act like your parent or babysitting keeper. And everyone has a need to share personal triumphs and tragedies.

Loner – No cliché campus killer wannabe. They just prefer alone time with you and only you. Not a groupie and not a member of the posse. (See: My best friend might be gay for me)

Envious – Don’t jump to conclusions, you might just be this friend. Think about it?

Pass-Agg – Passive Aggressive or Jekyll and Hyde.

Comedian – Always makes ya laugh. This can be good/bad. Sometimes life can get serious and we do not need stand-up, but just a good hug or someone to pound a few with. (And by “pound a few” I mean beer, not what you were thinking ya perv. And you know you were…look up Friends With Benefits.

Weird Named Girl – In diversity days, we all have one. You try to introduce them, roll your “Z” Mess up and from then on everyone at the party thinks she is a refugee from some Balkans religious war and wonders why she does not wear a one of them thar funny looking scarves.

Cell Phone Phil – Never actually see, but just might “get you” better than anyone else on the planet.

BFF – Please!

Facebook Friend – Really? Get out more often.

Feminazi – Penis equals Darth Vader’s light saber.

Really Nice Guy/Girl – Patient, tolerant, symphathic and friendly. Available to talk at any time, about anything and not capable of anger. Love them, but almost want to punch’m in the throat. Especially if it is that douche bag who plays the slow ballad songs on his acoustic during the party. Oh, yes! Pour out your soul Keith. Girls love you Keith. You are so cool Keith. Umm…sorry. Nothing but good vibes for ya bro!

Apathy Upperclassmen or the guy still in Marketing five years after graduation – They used to be your social leaders. Now it is just sad.

Horny Duo – Sometimes friends come in twos. This couple are always together, playing house, sleep-overs, giggles, tickles…just makes ya want to blow chunks!

Zealot – Always has an intellectual or moral orgasm for the flavor of the month cause. Probably had the hipster arty Obama poster on his dorm door or cubicle wall.

Pimp Masta’ – Thinks life is only for picking up “ho’s.” Good news. He will get what’c coming to him when he meets the life ruining Mrs. Pimp Masta.

Confused Ex-Goth – Doesn’t know what to do. They get off on being “out” of the popular scene, but discovered at college they are below average weird scale. Cannot give up black, but cannot give into the idea of Greek rushing. Out of college she works at a book or music store. Good luck with her ecstasy addiction.

And that is just a sampling…be on the look out for Friend-thesaurus II.

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