Dude! You Are Getting a Dell!

You might remember this catch phrase used by Dell Computers for its commercial ad campaigns during the early 2000’s. The actor was so popular he was fondly labeled the “Dell Kid“, got a spread in Tiger Beat and was being courted by Spielberg. Then he got caught smoking pot and his career went into the same. You would have thought the Austin police department would have been more forgiving. (See Matthew McConaughey, naked bongo, the Bush twins, public intoxication, George W. and DUI) But, whatever. This little article is more about the computing side of things than the various addictive attributes of today’s cultural icons (See President Obama, smoking, Michelle Obama and Illinois practicing law ethics disbarment).

I did, indeed, get a Dell this past week. Like all quarter lifers, I was pretty much raised and reared on electronic gizmos. Nintendo, Internet, Cell Phones, DVD, etc. Yet, 20-somethings take’ em for granted. The day my computer was to arrive, it was like Christmas. Because of the tracking software program at Dell, I even knew the hour when the little package was to arrive. When I heard the big diesel engine of the FedEx truck it was like Santa’s reindeers’ hooves on the rooftop. I ran outside, scribbled something like a signature and off I went inside with my new toy.

Boy how things have changed. The last computer I got came in three separate boxes, one for the uber monitor, the desk top and sundry things, and lastly the key board. The monitor box was big enough to make a fort out of. Which I did later on. Yes, this was just Christmas 2003 and some of us mature at different rates.

Well, my current wonder of technology came in one box, the size of a hefty attentive boyfriend’s gift of Valentine’s Day chocolates. Inside were three back up disks, the laptop and a power cord. I plugged it in, heard the musical charms of a computer booting up and five minutes later I was up on the Net with the capacity to surf porn so fast Superman would get a blister. I kid. Really I do. There is no way Superman could ever get a blister, he is the Man of Steel.

I took a moment to pause. Dude! You have it easy. All this tech stuff makes life so convenient, so complex at times, but a lot better no matter what. And Dude! You don’t even appreciate the changes that have occurred in your short life. It is almost too easy. Standing on the shoulders of giants and such. So in a zen moment of clarity, I put the new plaything away. I had been without a computer for a week and I thought I was going crazy. But, life went on. Maybe the same could be done with the cell, the texting, cable, etc.

And up ‘til this posting I turned them all off. A full week without any of the things that seemed to be so important. I actually like that I carried around a nice little leather notebook, pencil in hand and was not only able to survive, but enjoyed the tactile sense of writing, the lack of audio intrusions of cell phone beeps and the constant eye pollution from the television.

Sure, I am back up, reentering the world I cannot totally Robinson Crusoe away from. But, this time I refuse to reload into the Matrix. Dude! I got a Dell, but it and all of its electronic cronies will not own me.

I indeed did get a Dell this past week. Like all quarter lifers, I was pretty much raised and reared on electronic gizmos. Nintendo, Internet, Cell Phones, DVD, etc. Yet, 20-somethings take’em for granted. The day my computer was to arrive, it was like Christmas. Because of the tracking software program at Dell, I even knew the hour when the little package was to arrive. When I heard the big disiel engine of the FedEx truck it was like Santa’s reindeers’ hooves on the rooftop. I ran outside, scribbled something like a signature and off I went inside with my new toy.

Boy how things have changed. The last computer I got came in three separate boxes, one for the uber monitor, the desk top and sundry things & then lastly the key board. The monitor box was big enough to make a fort out of. Which I did later on. Yes, this was just Christmas 2003 and some of us mature at different rates.

Well, my current wonder of technology came in one box, the size of a hefty attentive boyfriend’s gift of Valentine’s Day chocolates. Inside were three back up disks, the laptop and a power cord. I plugged it in, heard the musical charms of a computer booting up and five minutes later I was up on the Net with the capacity to surf porn so fast Superman would get a blister. I kid. Really I do. There is no way Superman could ever get a blister, he is the Man of Steel.

Long story short. I took a moment to pause. Dude! You have it easy. All this tech stuff makes life so convenient, so complex at times, but a lot better no matter what. And Dude! You don’t even appreciate the changes that have occurred in your short life. It is almost too easy. Standing on the shoulders of giants and such. So in a zen moment of clarity, I put the new plaything away. I had been without a computer for a week and I thought I was going crazy. But, life went on. Maybe the same could be done with the cell, the texting, cable, etc.

And up til this posting I turned them all off. A full week without any of the things that seemed to be so important. I actually like that I carried around a nice little leather notebook, pencil in hand and was not only able to survive, but enjoyed the tactile sense of writing, the lack of audio intrusions of cell phone beeps and the constant eye pollution from the television.

Sure, I am back up, reentering the world I cannot totally Robinson Crusoe away from. But, this time I refuse to reload into the Matrix. Dude! I got a Dell, but it and all of its electronic cronies will not own me.

Quarter Life Grinding VI – The Final Grind?

With spring I have been busy, almost too busy to grind many a gear. But, that does not stop me from a short list this week. You know what really grinds my ¼ life gears?

Fuck
The word. Truly the wonder of all words. Can be used as a verb, adverb, noun, adjective, anything you want. But, with such ease of form and function, it is desperately being overused. Use sparingly my ¼ lifers.

Barnes & Noble
Flash back: My quarter life 1998 geek hang out was B&N. Now it is just pathetic. The brass on the door knobs is gone. The bathrooms smell like my 1998 quarter life locker room. And I think they even have stopped selling books.

Sex and the City
I never liked the whole idea of three whores and their mother influencing a whole ¼ life generation of girls, boyfriends forced to watch, and confused young men. I sure as hell hate the idea that this franchise has yet another movie coming out with all its intrigues about shoes. Plus, like Barnes & Noble…the owners and costumers are just getting older. The combined age of the cast is 1,324 years. Miss Jessica Parker? Do us all a favor and follow your husband, Matthew Broderick’s advice. Take a day off. Or better yet…call it a career.

Rehab
I suppose if you go in to rehab, all sins can be forgiven. Who needs Jesus and the guilt of the Catholic church for sex addiction when you can just go to Dr. Drew?

History Channel
Monsters? UFOs? Swamp loggers? Ice Road Truckers? In my quarter life brain it sounds more like a televised fan convention combining the best of sci-fi and porn.

Roses
Ever since Feb 14th. They are the first of about fifty pollinating plants that give me allergies. “You’ll grow out of it,” said my doctor. Well here I am in my QL and I am still a snot nosed brat.

Congress
You know what a group of owls is called? Like a gander of geese? It is called a congress of owls. The owl has always been a symbol of wisdom. But it is actually one of the oldest and therefore stupidest birds on the evolutionary top 100. Did I ever tell you how much I adore irony?

Pizza Conglomerates
Tried the new Dominos. Yep, tasted just like same crap I ate at my 11th birthday party where I got my first kiss. Was the same cardboard I had in the college dorm. I got a free pizza coupon if you must know. And it turned out the delivery lady was the same girl I kissed years ago. She just finished up her PhD, but is still looking for work.

Chocolate
OH! I know? Can he say that on the internet? Yes quarter lifers. Some of us do not get into the whole coco thing. It’s okay. It’s fine. I guess it is more the people who go orgasmic about it which grind my gears. It’s always some 30-something girl with 5 cats and self esteem problems, proudly proclaiming in an over smoked voice, “Oh, I love ANYTHING…with CHOCOLATE.” Don’t go that way QL’s.

AFV. America‘s Funniest Home Videos.
I love a good ball, bat, leg, shoe, pellet gun, fish hook to the groin like anyone else. Well, I like to watch it, not be on the receiving end. But, the other day I caught an episode. And on good old family friendly ABC, Disney owned AFV…can you use the word junk or cooch on television? It was just ¼ life unsettling that I might be maturing enough to be offended by dirty words.

And sadly we are at the end…

Fee, fau, fum,
I smell the blood of an English man,
Be alive, or be he dead,
I’ll grind his bones to make my bread

Say what you will of my gripes. My grinding of gears. At least I never threatened a boy and his beanstalk or gave nightmares to children with my grinding. Really? Grind his bones into bread? This is what we got read to as kids? No wonder we quarter lifers are so fudged up!

Wikipedia And My Quarter Life Crisis!

I was clicking around Wikipedia for some materials to plagiarize from when I came upon an actual entry for the Quarter Life Crisis. Yea, I said it…Wikipedia. Where else is a ¼ Lifer supposed to get his or her information?

Like a medical diagnosis from WebMD, Wiki listed off the symptoms of the Quarter Life Crisis. Here are just a few quotes and highlights:

Lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration and involuntary celibacy.
That sounds more mid-life to me. I guess even ¼ Life Viagra Jr., social network sites and texting just did not turn out to be wonder relationship builders they were touted to be.

Realizing that the pursuits of one’s peers are useless.
Wow…talk about negative Nelly.

Confronting one’s own mortality.
Morbid to extremes. I think most of us already have come face to face with the fact we will some day slough off the mortal coil. Three reasons we wished for death early or saw that it would come one day. A. When we were kids we watched Lucas cinematically rape Star Wars. B. That one chick at spring break who had to have her stomach pumped of Everclear liquor. C. SARS, Staph, Swine flu, MRSA, Bird flu, H1N1, super AIDS and the fact that even making out can give you a death strep.

Watching time slowly take its toll on your parents, only to realize you are next.
Damn Wikipedia. You are just a little ray of sunshine for the Y Generation aren’t ya?

Disappointment with one’s job
Shut up! Welcome to the Real Frigging World. That is no crisis. For most, that is just a fact, Jack!

Nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
Okay maybe I do long for the past glories of my youth. Maybe that means I am ¼ life crisis level 1. Maybe my Zoloft is not working. Maybe we all rightfully think back to a time when we could pull three all-nighters in a row, could recover from a hangover with a breakfast taco buffet, had a month off for the Holidays and couldn’t shake a text book without hitting some male or female tale. Is that so wrong? And…the last part, “elementary” nostalgia? What? Wiki thinks my ¼ life crisis can be cured by nap time.

Tendency to hold stronger opinions
Heaven forbid, a Quarter Lifer should be mature enough to have solid feelings on a variety of subjects.

Boredom with social interactions
Well, Facebook and Farmville are not exactly social interactions, so I do not know how you could be bored.

Financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipated high cost of living, etc.)
Okay…that does suck. But, better start dealing with it…ain’t gonna get any economically better anytime soon.

Desire to have children
True, the bio clock might be ticking. Don’t do anything rash. Guys wear a love glove and check that medicine cabinet to make sure she is up to date on her pill…and don’t swallow that whole Nuvo Ring story. Ladies? Do I have to tell’ya never to trust guys and the idea of exact timing? Everyone. Children are never the answer to help anyone out of a crisis. Fix up your shit before you screw up someone else’s.

A sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you.
Trust me they are not. And you should never try to keep up with the Jones.

It is a shame the whole classic legend that the Chinese word for crisis is also the same word for opportunity. I like to think it is true. I also like to believe that a ¼ Life Crisis as defined by Wikipedia sounds more like the same helicopter parenting, Ritalin dogma that put so many ¼ lifers in an awkward social world. And no matter whose definition or symptoms you use, crisis will come, how you deal with it will decide if it also a chance for positive ¼ life change.

Now…where are my pills?

Grinding My Quarter Life Gears V

And no that is not a title of a porn. Though it would be a good one. I remember this one time when I was a senior in high school. I was in charge of procuring a dirty flick for a friend’s send off party before he shipped out to boot camp for West Point. Well, I was a pretty innocent fellow, but I was sharp enough to know Blockbuster was not going to be able to handle the request. So I headed off to the more neighborhood friendly video store.

Well, I thought it was just a small mom and pop shop that stayed open late and with ample parking in the back of the store. Needless to say, I was shocked…appalled…a little impressed and way over my head. I panicked and quickly picked out a movie. But, I also remember how my brain went through the process.

“Okay…lots of weird covers on the VHS’s. Ummm. Okay that looks like it would be uncomfortable for her. This one has way too many guys with mustaches. Hey. This one is a sequel. That must mean the first four should have been pretty good!”

Needless to say, Cupcake Crammers V was not what I thought it would be. And needless to say, my friends have speculated on my sexuality ever since.

Long story short…too late, I know. Here is part five in my never ending series of quarter life gear grindings…

People
Like cats, they just piss me off.

Double Pitts to Chesty…
All those dude deodorants created by Maxim magazine and Spike television. False advertising. No chick, no where ever got off on a guy’s hairy pit odor. And if I have to obey the QL man-grooming of said pits and chest, I expect results.

Local News
Local on the 1’s. Weather on the 8’s. Fire and brimstone at a neighborhood apartment complex on the 5’s. Crap! What would they report for not the standard playground incident, murder in the 5th ward, local sports crap I already got off the web? The weather. Yep, the weather is the only thing they could air. That is why it is last in the broadcast. Cuz…your grandfather cannot work the Web.

¼ Lifers
Man, we are a whiny entitled bunch aren’t we?

Remotes
We grew up with them. We looked through many a couch searching for them. Hell, I got grounded for dropping the cable remote into a full glass of milk. Later on in college I dropped one into an Igloo of Sex on the Beach punch. And just recently I spilled a Red Bull on my nieces’ Wii controllers. Cannot we ¼ lifers in 2010 develop something to solve this problem? Why not turn our cell phones into remotes? And even if we lose them we can call ourselves and feel the vibration mode go off in the futon cushions? Billy Gates…Steve Jobs…your move?

The Fly on any Men’s Underwear
Why? Like I am going to go digging between awkward folds of cloth to grab my meat and two veg. Every dude, just pulls down the elastic and takes care of business. The Quarter Lifer’s in Europe don’t have to put up with this in their undergarments. American QL’s should demand more of their Fruits of the Loom.

Nickels and Dimes
I like pennies and quarters. Seriously? What can you buy for five and dime? Pennies give you good luck. A couple of quarters buys ya a bean burrito, a parking space or a toll. And as a QL, I never have cash anyways. And that is also why my debit and charge cards need to be replaced every six months from swiping.

Mother Nature
Make up your mind you crazy bitch. Winter from Hell. Earthquakes. Rhode Island became an actual island. Icelandic volcanoes. Yes! I know the generations before me pillaged ya. But, we are better in Gen Y.

DVR, TIVO & HULU
I spend way too much time in front of the tube. QL’s have better things to do with their lives.

Best Buy
We in the Millenials+ have had this as the mainstay of all electronics shopping. One stop shop. That blue and eye burning yellow. I hate that place. Those uber nerds working for their commissions. It’s like I am the good looking chick at a bar being hit on by the last call for alcohol leftover dudes. Now I know what feels like when doves cry.

Sum up? Yep, I am taking a re-gander at what I have put up here. Lots of talk about sex, money and toys. Some things do not change no matter what generation you are in.
　

Los Grinding of Mis Gearos Veinticinco Anos Cuatro: Grinding of the Quarter Life Gears IV

Okay, I am a lost cause. Even Rosetta Stone language software cannot help me learn Spanish. I took two years of it in high school. I was born and raised in Texas. I attended four semesters of Spanish in college. I use the word attend loosely. I mean I was there sometimes, but mucho cervezas muy make my cabeza hurt.

Still, I should not gripe too much. There is always good old fashioned English right? It’s sure to be winner forever. How do you say, “Spare some change in Mandarin?”

But, I can gripe about what grinds my quarter life gears for a little while longer in the Queen‘s tongue. So here goes…

ChatRoulette
What the fudge people? What the f’ing fudge?

Cause of the Month
It has been going on for years, but now I am just about ground down. The Hippies started it, never finished anything or probably made it worse. And now we are all guilted into some sort of cause, donate, give up this or that, save this animal or that culture, volunteer, etc. I first noticed it when I was a kid making a tuna fish sandwich. Dolphin Safe was on the label. Okay…I like dolphins so that was pretty cool. Peanut butter came next and everyone’s deadly allergy. Few years went by and I got the old veal parmesan lecture. Finally, the other day I got busted not using soy cheese on my grilled cheese. Quarter lifing is hard enough. I do not want to worry about the Earth, Mother Nature or my soul when all I want is a sandwich! Leave me alone cause of the month.

Shortening Words
Why is it we have to do this? I might be out of the loop here, but some office mate of mine told me she was skipping out early to go get a mani and a pedi. I am also a little slow, but I thought she just blew her cover and revealed she was getting a pap smear. Quarter Lifers? Not everything has to be put in text-ease. Spell and pronounce the beautiful gift of the English language. As long as we have it until at least 2015 when Pelosi outlaws it in the San Francisco is the New Capital of the USA Act.

The Next This or That…
Top model. Top Chef. Next Food Network Star. Next American Idol. I am fast approaching 30. I want some real “nexts!” The next man on the moon. The next step forward in cloning (I want a baby wooly mammoth.) The next great step from bread, pancake, waffle, crepe…to what? Give me something real to look forward to in my mid life.

Cell Phones
Yes that is such a 1996 thing to say, but I think it is about time to bring it back into the forefront of Quarter Lifing. I am pretty sure none of us have that much to say to anyone at anytime. The cell phone companies do not even bother using KY with their fees. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from texting? And here is the clincher. Harvard Medical Journal report: They swabbed 3000 cell phones for bacteria, viruses, toxins, etc. Top five things they found. Staph, MRSA, Strep, fecal matter and E Coli. And I love this…three other bacteria that had previously never been seen by human eyes. They actually discovered new life growing in the makeup residue, head grease pools of cell phone primordial ooze. Ergo, put the cell up every once in a while or at least clean it.

Non-Smoking
Not that I am for smoking. I just am tired of being ¼ life legislated about my behaviors. Hell, if the Prez can get away with a smoke, snort or toke. See Obama, Bush and Clinton in that order of addictions. I, too, can choose my way of ¼ life dos and do nots.

Red Carpet
OMG! Look at that spoiled flavor of the month actor in their donated designer dress, costume jewels, $2000 hairdo, etc. The Golden Globes starts off the awards season and like the NBA playoffs they take about 3 months to go through. Bring to the game the addition of a new award show on Fox every year…and this is ridiculous. ¼ Lifers! Find your own red carpet, your own way to physical, mental, emotional, professional red carpet success!

Appliances Being Plush
QL’s have been hit up with more marketing trends than any other generation. Madison Avenue is plugging happiness on our apps to now sides of public school buses. They all sell happiness in material goods. Now I find out that you too can spend more on your washer and drier than a car. Front loading, sleek design, fashionable colors, a computer smarter than Stephen Hawkins. It’s a washer and dryer folks. The place where all your “dirty laundry” goes. On the tour of the house ladies do you now show how well off you and hubby are doing by showing the laundry room? What next? “Here is our bathroom. These are actually imported Venetian porcelain eco flush toilets.” Golf clap from your dinner party guests.

Hand Sanitizer Stations
They are everywhere. And I know people are dirty and babies are little Petri dishes of colds, flu and poop. And I realize there is a new disease every week that will boil out your eyeballs, eat your skin and flat line you in three seconds. But, have we also forgotten how to wash our hands? I cannot tell you how many times the television, radio, doctor…and even the captain on a cruise I went on this past year lectured about hand washing. Quarter Lifers. You do know how to wash your paws right? Warm water + soap + time under the faucet (Say the Pledge of Allegiance twice) + rinse + dry with a clean paper towel. Do this or we will all have to soon wear HazMat suits just to hold hands.

Spiral Notebook Paper Leftovers
You know what I mean. You pull that crappy piece of paper off. All the leftovers. You end up picking out pieces from in between the spring and off the floor. Man they are enough to make me actually go buy an IPad and spend about 30 hours programming the stuff I just penciled into the notebook, tore off and threw in the garbage can.

So, there we go. Uno through diaz of mi muy importante gripes and no bueno likes. But, as I reread this, I realize I am a very tense person. I really should let go of these hang ups. Let fewer things grind my gears and get on with a more healthy outlook on my quarter life.

Nah…just jacking with ya. I am off to pound a few cervezas. Hasta!
　

Grinds My Quarter Life Gears the Third

Yea. I am back and I have more ¼ crap. Not whining here folks, just laying out the Quarter Life facts. What this member of our esteemed group knows to be a true pain in the ass.

And sometimes the ¼ life truth hurts!

You know what really grinds my gears?

The Letter X
All of our generation has had to put up with the terrible overuse of this seemingly (before us) underused word. Now it is the marketing Madison Avenue’s wet dream letter. X-Files, X-treme berry flavored, X Generation, X-plosive opportunity, Gillette Xtreme 34 bladed wonder shaver, X sports, etc. Hell, I even pronounce the etc. or etcetera with an X and not “e-set-teer-a.” Give the little guy a break. Let him go back to X-ray, Xeon, XXX and my Zoloft controlled xenophobia.

Fish of the Day
The other night I had to listen to the pimple nosed waiter at Outback whine on about the chef’s fresh fish of the day special. (Yea, I got a $50 gift certificate from my aunt for the birthday) A. There is no ocean near me, so it ain’t fresh. B. Tilapa was last year’s Hawaiian grouper and then 2007’s Chilean sea bass. The last two were fished nearly to extinction so that I might be able to enjoy the Fish of the Day for some outrageous price. C. I came to a steakhouse, bring me red meat, a freaking blooming onion and keep the ranch dressing coming! Quarter lifers are more green than their other generational counterparts. Put our eco passion to good use. You don’t always need surf with the turf.

Fortune Cookies
Too preachy these ¼ life days. You cannot even add the traditional “in bed” at the end of them. “To your friends you are clever and witty.” First that is not foretelling anything and second “in bed” makes for nothing except confusing thoughts of you & your buddies under the sheets. What would be so clever and witty in such a situation? For my quarter life brain, I have been numbed down to sound bites, so fortune cookies should be a good format. But, alas I have been calloused as well. Too much stimulation, sensory overload…well I would like something in a fortune cookie to excite me. How about “You will soon be witty and clever while cannibalizing your friends.” In bed. That is something to pass around over the dinner bill with General Tso resting in your belly.

Hypocrisy
Nothing new here. Every generation has had to put up with it. Maybe we ¼ lifers just hear about it more or, sadly, there probably is just that much more out there.

Greeting Cards
They are always up for sell 3.45 months up before the holiday they portray occurs. My ¼ life is hectic enough, don’t rush me. Christmas is in December…the end of December. I do not need to see greeting cards for it right after the back to school sales in August.

Kim Kardashian
Okay, enough with the spoiled whore shows. Just stop it America. You are just setting it up for Nicole Richie’s kids to become Senators one day. Gen Y, Millennials, later Gen Xers, whatever they will call our generation will be old and grumpy by then and we will be blamed for the travesty of reality show political leaders running the world.

Planned Parenthood
Was there ever a more misnamed organization? If the bun in the oven had been planned she, or the odd arranged couple would not be in the waiting room preparing for a vacuum job. Unplanned parenthood. Hey, I am not taking a quarter life stance on anything abortion wise. I just tell ’em like I see ’em. The only planning Planned Parenthood ever did was to give out free condoms. Yea, right…things are going well at the rave, she’s pumped up on X (I mean ecstasy), moi on Yeager bomb ten or in Roman numerals X, we are stumbling back to the dorm when I realize through the fog of my brain…I do not have a condom. Oh, wait…let me head to Planned Parenthood and get one. No. I either side tour to CVS or Walgreens. Or raid my roommate’s stash. Let us put a ¼ life twist on the new title for the organization. “Ooops! I Fudged Up! Fetus Disposal and Stem Cell Retrieval Services.”

On the subject KY Lubricant
All these new commercials for various gels. What is it with all the ridiculous claims? Warm stimulation. Electric vibrations. Gentle tones of eucalyptus, mango and key lime. One gel for her. One for him. When combined they transform a good time into a great time. What is this chemistry class? There are already enough liquids involved in the act of whoopee. Second. I just don’t buy it. Each year a new class of condoms comes out promising the impossible…that you will like wearing one. Quarter lifer’s do what you will, but just because MTV commercials say it is so, don’t make it so.

Cats
There I said it, I just don’t like them. Ladies, confused men and pussy whipped guys I am sorry for saying it. But, they are just not on my top list of animals. The waiter should come by and ask me if I want to hear about the Cat of the Day. I will not eat it, this is the Outback and not Chinese take-out…but I would sure like to listen to that dish‘s preparation! This has nothing to do with being QL. Just wanted to put it out there.

Maxim
They were an import in the late 90’s modeled after Brit-lit trash mags. Lots of pictures, you could be under 18 to buy them and sported themselves with GQish advice on subjects only college dormitory shut-ins believe is true. Ergo, it’s Cosmo for dudes. That puts QL’s as the ones who have seen these rag mags take over the market place and now are generally excepted as legit pieces of literature. Sure if Maxim picked up one of my articles for $500, I’d sell my soul for a jelly role. But, you quarter lifer should not buy a copy. Go read National Geographic and learn something.

Well, we were grinding all over the place today weren’t we kiddos? X-Files, KY, magazines, fish, condoms… Hmmm…sounds like a Friday night at the old college dorm by myself.

Anyhows. Hope you enjoyed. Now go out there you crazy Quarter Lifers. Find, solve and absolve your own QL grinds, gripes, advice and complaints. Grind away…grind like the wind!
　

The Ultimate Quarterlife Cleanse: I Deleted my Facebook Account

You did WHAT?

I deleted my Facebook page. It wasn’t a decision I expected to make, but the signs were there for a while. I deleted my MySpace account a few months ago, but I hadn’t used it in years for anything other than stalking my high school boyfriends and listening to new bands. It was more a matter of housekeeping than anything. Just like deleting your Match or Roomster profiles when you no longer need them. But deleting my Facebook profile was proactive- a decision.

The first thing that made me realize I might want to delete my FB account was the development of memorializing someone via their profile page. The internet is still learning how to handle information when someone dies. I’d hate to think that the last thing that people see of me for all eternity is my status update about eating at In-N-Out Burger or posting the most recent viral video involving Single Ladies. I’d like to be remembered for more than just fleeting thoughts and high scores on Block Breaker.

(For the record, there is a new company that deals with your online property. Legacy Locker was created by an entrepreneur whose grandmother died without passing on her email password. With this company, you can designate who gets the password to each of your online sites. Don’t want your mom to know about your porn subscription? Leave that password to a trusted friend.)

Step 2 in my rocky relationship with Facebook was their requirement to make my password “more secure.” More secure made me laugh so hard I wet myself. I’m publishing my information on the internet, and you care if someone can get in and change my favorite book from Madame Bovary to The Davinci Code? I made my password Ih8tefacebook. It was a reminder of what a pain in the ass this advance in social networking thing was.

Once my password was more secure, I realized that Facebook knew a lot about me. I had to reenter the new password on my computer, on my phone, on my app for my phone, on my app for my iPod. They have access to information about where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with, and what I’m consuming. I’m no conspiracy theorist, but Big Brother seemed to be invading my personal space.

Do we really need to be so connected all the time? This password phase of my Facebook downfall coincided with me getting my first smart phone. I’m a Google junkie and I like to know information all the time. If I can’t remember that actor’s name from that movie that I kind of liked that one time- I like to be able to find it. If I’m lost and I need to find the closest caffeine fix, I’d like to be able to look that up. However, once I got the smartphone, I didn’t have to pay attention to the world around me. Standing in line? I can check my blogs. Waiting for someone to meet me? I can text them while reading their Twitter feed about being stuck on the Bay Bridge. I used to revel in life’s little oddities that you only notice when you’re in limbo. With more connectivity, I ended up less connected.

This led to the next step on the downward Facebook spiral: deleting people I wasn’t actually friends with. Parents of my friends, people I had met online, old high school friends with kids and boob jobs- all of them went the way of the delete. I changed all of my security settings to “friends only” and ignored friend requests from former babysitters. “You have 267 friends” quickly went down to “You have 80 friends.” And I didn’t miss them. Those Facebook friends are filler; they’re the breadsticks at a nice restaurant. I felt triumphant for cutting out the carbs and really narrowing down my connections to people I knew.

Only days later, Facebook changed their security settings to do some things that I don’t really understand. What I do understand is that I suddenly had requests to add applications relating to my schools, jobs, and interests. It’s one thing to tailor the ads I see to keywords I type in, but ferreting through my profile to expand your network of applications seems like going a bit too far. Big Brother had stepped back in. The thought police were on my tail, but this time they were trying to sell me half priced cupcakes and tickets to the opera. However, my repulsion wasn’t immediate. I didn’t click delete for another couple of weeks. I tightened my security and went about my internet day.

Then came South Park. I know the creators say that they don’t plan on making social commentaries or motivating change in the world- they just want to make a funny show. But you know what, I don’t buy it. The episode “You have 0 friends” aired on a Wednesday in April and it started to leach into my soul. Facebook is dumb. Super dumb. I started to want the part of my life back that I had voluntarily given up to the soul sucking Book.

Those 80 friends I was so proud of whittling down to were suddenly a vast field of people I hated. Sure, some of my good friends were there as were some really interesting people with whom I had reconnected. I started to realize that I was making excuses not to get rid of Facebook. I didn’t need it anymore, I didn’t want it anymore. Those people who were part of my life were still going to be there, even without Facebook.

The final step was Betty White. Perhaps its too ironic for you that the final steps in my Facebook downfall were motivated by things I saw on Hulu, but whatever. I’ll work on that personal flaw next. If you’ve been living under a rock, or don’t have a Facebook page, you should know that Betty White became the host of Saturday Night Live because of a massive Facebook campaign. She addressed this in her monologue saying,

“You know, I have so many people to thank for being here, but I really have to thank Facebook. When I first heard about the campaign to get me to host Saturday Night Live I didn’t know what Facebook was, and now that I do know what it is I have to say it sounds like a huge waste of time. I would never say that people on it are losers, but that’s only because I’m polite.”

Ouch Betty. Ouch. If Betty White thinks I’m a loser, it must be so.

I posted a status update that within 24 hours my profile would be gone. It had been weighing on my mind for a while, but Betty White convinced me. So far, the detox has been fine. I haven’t felt the urge to status update, play block breaker, or check on my zombie hoard. I never got into Farmville, so I’m not saddened by dying crops or wandering pigs. I still have a Twitter account where I can post viral videos that I need to get out of my system. I also have a Livejournal account that is fully protected should I need to rant about my job or society.

The internet has brought us a lot of things. Some of those things are good and some, not so good. Sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other. We, as Quarter-lifers, have known social interactions without the computer. We have known going out with friends where you had to plan in advance because who would have a cell phone on them? We have known our parents telling us to keep it short online since we were being charged by the minute. I believe that it is this understanding that led me to feel uncomfortable with Facebook. I’m under no illusions that my information is secret online or that I control less of my information than I think. But actively handing over myself and forfeiting any control I might have seems counter to maintaining that self. When everything is public, what do you get to keep for yourself?

Addendum: Since I started writing this article, there has been a major movement to delete your Facebook page. QuitFacebookDay.com asks you to take a stand against Facebook and their poor privacy policies by quitting on May 31st 2010. They suggest some alternative social networking sites, but I suggest taking a break. Live without social networking for a year and see how things change. What will you do in the time you used to check status updates? More importantly, what will you get back?

101 Things to Do While Still a Quarter Lifer

It was me. I totally came up with that whole, “1001 Places to See Before You Die” concept. Best selling books and a television series later and I am kicking myself in the ass for not putting it to paper.

But in pertinence for my sins I am going to pass onto you, my dear Quarter Lives reader some things you need to do…NOT BEFORE you necessarily die, but BEFORE you go into Mid Life. It’s not gonna be 1001 things either. I don’t have the time for that.

Let us get to it.

Before you are at least 33.3333 years old be sure to climb a mountain!

Now some of you may choose the symbolic kind, but I am encouraging you to find one of the geographical sense of the word. It does not have to be K2 or Everest. Your mountain might be a small peak in the Appalachia or all the stairs in the Empire State Building or your bathroom scale.

Seriously, commune with nature, strap on some stylish hiking gear, find your place in the world, seek the grandeur of creation, plant the flag and conquer! Plus, it kind of makes you look like a bad ass. Imagine at a bar…and believe me this works for dudes and chicks!

Little blonde coed trying to flirt with me: “So what did you do for Spring Break?”

Moi: “Couple buddies and me flew out to Africa and climbed Kilimanjaro. Yep, we wanted to see snowy peak, the white cap of the safari plains before the glacier melted due to global warming.”

Yea. I might have faked the Aussie accent accompanying the story. But the fact is I did climb that SOB and no one can take that from me ever. And later, after about seven rounds of Cuervo, the little coed and I created an embarrassing scenario we sort of, not really regretted in the morning. Sooooooooo. Go Climb a Frigging Mountain!

Now I am just gonna list it. That whole laziness thing again. If you want to know more, go buy the book when I get around to writing it.

101 Things to Do While Still a Quarter Lifer:

1. Clear your mind…totally…if only for a moment
2. Do the opposite of what you normally would do. Go to Planned Parenthood and pass out church pamphlets. Or go to a Baptist choir session and pass out condoms.
3. Go buy one of the following. Girl or Boy Scout manual. Or the US Army Basic Training Handbook. See if you can do everything in it, you punk. Betcha green arrow, red button, left, right left, A button won’t help you set a survival rabbit snare. Beeyatch!
4. Read Nietzsche, the Bible, Koran, Torah, Egyptian and Tibetan Book of the Dead…and any other religious head honcho books you can get hold of. And then realize they say all the same thing. And then be cool with it.
5. Give up or start a habit your parents will hate
6. Either go all the way and recycle everything or quit kidding yourself about newspapers and soda cans
7. Skinny dip
8. Create something with you own hands. Clay pot or redo that crappy Boy Scout bird feeder from 5th grade
9. Get off Facebook and, unless they come up with holograms, do not go for the next fly by night social networking website
10. Throw away all your grade school yearbooks. Really are you ever going to look at these again? If so-Should you?
11. Travel to an exotic location…and I mean exotic. Patagonia is cool…go ahead Google Earth it. You don’t even know where I am talking about do you?
12. Boycott most conveniences…make life a little more interesting
13. Stop watching Reality TV. Stop it. Right now. Go clear the DVR of all shows. Never, ever, ever watch anything “reality” unless it actually is on CNN and then beware of Wag the Dog journalism
14. You make it everyday. Go volunteer at a youth farm and shovel shit!
15. Make a couple more mistakes romantically…and LEARN from them!
16. Get back to nature. Pee outside for a week
17. Put on some body ink or have that nasty thing removed before you go for the sleeveless wedding gown
18. No matter how much it takes. Win something at the local fair or carnival. I got a Stewie Griffin doll with one dollar and one ball.
19. Find or nurture true love
20. Listen to all Stones’ and Beetles’ songs. Decide which kind of person you are.
21. Go on an archaeology dig
22. One week only…and do not miss that meeting or interview, remove all clocks and timepieces from your apartment, car, body and life
23. Find that someone who you want to be forgiven by or to forgive…make it happen
24. Okay I spoke about forgiving. If that is not your cup of tea. Seek and succeed big time revenge. Read the Count of Monte Cristo and go from there.
25. Put to practice the lost art of handwriting letters to those you care about
26. Drop one cuss word from your vocabulary
27. Add another
28. Learn to milk a cow…or something…not the girl down in apartment J1 or your parents for cash
29. Blog your little heart out and then on your 33rd birthday…stop giving everyone your damn opinion on everything. No one cares!
30. Enter a cooking contest. Best pie, BBQ, Chili…don’t matter
31. Grow up…or Don’t
32. Get a license in something cool. Pilots, SCUBA, CPR instruction, concealed handgun, etc.
33. Kids. You don’t have to make one just yet. If you do…sucks to be you cuz you should not be reading this column or website. You are not a 1/4 lifer. But, I digress. Do something for any child in your life, niece, cousin, kid on the corner, Boys and Girls Club…they all need us and you need them.
34. Coach a little league team
35. Spend 24 hours straight (potty times do not count) with your best boy or gal pal or both. Hey I am not here to judge
36. Finish your BA, BS, take the GRE, and get that Masters or PhD!
37. Learn a foreign language
38. Don’t just tithe, if you still are into that or even know the old Catholic ways. You are a ¼ Lifer! Quarter it. Give 25% of yourself to others at the very least. Cash is cool; make checks out to Jayce Scott. Seriously, we only have so much time here on this rock. Give it away cuz you aren’t taking it with you.
39. Save up at least $500 clams. On a bachelor/rette trip to Vegas, bet it all on black
40. Picnic, fly a kite, and take out a paddle boat…all that gay park stuff
41. Find a lawyer at a bar, befriend, buy him or her a beer…then when not looking sucker punch them in the face!
42. Find out how the other half (depends which half you are) lives
43. Invent a new recipe for something yummy!
44. Do more than Rock the Vote…be a part of the political process outside the ballot box
45. Drive Route 66. Just for kicks.
46. Check out the AFI list of 100 best movies of all time. Watch them!
47. Keep a journal…some day; someone might want to read it
48. Leave the change in the soda machine or put an extra dollar in for the next person
49. Hit up a therapist, priest, pastor, older person, sage, Dali Lama for some good old fashion advice
50. Find your old flame and catch up – no matter how long it has been
51. Learn your family’s history
52. Read all Shakespeare’s plays
53. Write a book, short story or novel
54. Freak yourself out!
55. Take a hike. A big one! Kind of like Wall of China hike!
56. Fulfill someone’s wish
57. The world has enough charity 5ks. Get off your ass and run, walk, crawl, swim, wheel a personal physical challenge. Triumph!
58. Get off or on prescription drugs that make life better and not mask it
59. Carpe Diem
60. Two words…Kuma Sutra. Or one sentence…master the art of a good lay for her, you, him…whatever!
61. Get the 501 pack of Crayons…go nuts!
62. Grapple, cage fight and then accept life is full of changes
63. Teach a kid how to make the perfect paper airplane. Come ‘on these little brats cannot do anything with helicopter parents swooping in or if it does not have a lit up button on it.
64. Skinny dip…did I already say that one?
65. For one week give up meat or if you are a vegan…go carnivore
66. Memorize all the state capitals
67. For the ladies, perfect the most awesome burger. For the gents, learn how to REALLY clean a bathroom
68. Trick or treat on Halloween
69. Girls, go get implants. Guys, go do some sit-ups. Okay the first one was really sexist. But, hey…I am a pig…what can I say?
70. Seriously. If you think bigger ta-ta’s will make you prettier than you have bigger issues. If you need smaller ones, it better be for back support problems
71. Reacquaint yourself with a childhood cartoon…buy the whole DVD box set
72. Write one poem
73. Take in a Fine Art. They have been around for 1000′s of years for a reason
74. Learn to sail, fly, scuba, kayak or any other “cool” sport
75. For one year give up your favorite something: Ex. Taco Bell, ice cream, internet porn, etc.
76. Pay off your debts
77. Everyday do something nice for someone you don’t know from Adam
78. Don’t hang out during school hours, but go tryout the swings and titter totter again
79. Get a baby pet and raise it to be a constant companion
80. Change a tire, learn how to swim, boil water…and anything else a bi-polar Santa’s elf should know. Geez…you never changed a tire? Lame!
81. Build the ultimate tree house. For yourself or those above mentioned kiddos
82. Visit some place regarded as a holy or spiritual spot. Stonehenge, Notre Damn, Lasso, Lambeau Field, Lourdes, Vatican…and treat it with respect!
83. Karaoke for just one last time. Please, God or God make it the last time Carol!
84. Give up Urbaneese. Speak clearly. Pronounce things correctly. Hone in your accent, no matter where you are from. Go watch my Fair Lady.
85. Say good morning, afternoon, evening, etc…and frigging mean it
86. Get on the Board of Directors at some arts, volunteer, social, etc organization
87. Find a classy drink. Gin & tonic. Scotch and soda. Vodka martini with no frou-frou names.
88. Except the fact that the BCS and NFL are fixed!
89. Find the worst fault in yourself and conquer it
90. Learn the art of massage, floral design, ballroom dancing, small guns shooting, peasant French cooking and Japanese tea service
91. Clutter free your life. Get down to the bare essentials. Ex. If no one would buy it or you would never put it in a garage sale…keep it. Otherwise chunk that crap.
92. For one month give up tech crap
93. Visit and spend quality time with older relatives…they will not be here forever. And if Grammy has kicked the bucket, visit her grave, say a little prayer and remember the good or bad…and move on.
94. Stop the Farmville madness. Tend a garden and EAT something you grow!
95. Break the rules, maybe misdemeanor…I would stay clear of felonies
96. For one day take a vow of silence. This one I put in on the advice of your friends.
97. Stop playing video games. The Matrix is so 1999.
98. Find and preserve the perfect fall leaf, your favorite flower, family or friend photo, fridge art from your childhood, etc.
99. Fart as loud as you can in an elevator. Admit it. Laugh like a crazy person and feel the trip of ultimate power!
100. Stop reading lists
101. Really you need to stop reading useless list…except the ones I pixilated…those are gold. From heaven, to my finger tips, to your eyes. That is at least what I told my last girlfriend…well she is my fiancée now.

Famous Quarter Life Last Words

Ever heard the saying about a road to somewhere being paved with good intentions? I am pretty sure you also recall something about hindsight being 20/20. These are the great words of wisdom parents use on youth. Rest assured, you will use them on your kiddos as well.

But as a still 1/4 maturing adult, you will still need them on your 1/4 life highway, where you will be laying your share of good intentions asphalt and looking back with perfect and corrected vision. During all this roadwork you will also make use of many a F.Q.L.L.W. or the infamous, Famous Quarter Life Last Word.

As new fads and fashions dictate, some F.Q.L.L.W. wax and wane while others pop out to match the fast living life of YOU. Today’s fresh-faced twenty-something have adapted the F.Q.L.L.W. to suit their own emotional and physical needs. After all, the F.Q.L.L.W. is a young dude or dudette’s verbal right or moral excuse or delusional vamping to use when and how they see fit.

On the path of a half of a half adulthood, you will have opportunities galore to use the F.Q.L.L.W. by putting your foot in your mouth, getting the last laugh, having your say and generally doing something that will embarrass you later in life…ah good times!

And I am tired of copying and pasting F.Q.L.L.W. So here are just those words…

“During the (insert break, weekend, software upgrade, holiday, fire drill, etc) I will catch up.”
Again, right!

“I so aced that!”
It may be more collegiate vernacular, but still fits. Funny how ace comes to mean a grade of C or a Power Point on your marketing proposal comes back with all the assistant directors taking a tinkle on it just to mark their scent. Ergo, minor bullet point or spelling change, but “I am higher up on the managerial food chain and gave some input” kind of scent. Has the bouquet of a fine cow patty of machismo or the ruddy musk of a competitive co-worker on the rag.

“I could have sworn I had twenty dollars in my account.”
The cash cow ATM did not buzz.

“Don’t worry…I’ll pay you back.”
Yea….right!

“I am going to start going to bed earlier.”
Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh wait you were serious…I’m sorry. No…I cannot fake it…snicker…really? Good luck with that.

“He or she will text back. Call back. Email back. Blog back. FaceBook update back.”
Chill. If it was meant to be than it shall. But best never to rely of anything electronic with REAL human relationships.

“I set my alarm.”
Oh, such a classic!

“You hold it and I will light the fuse.”
PLEASE, don’t try this at anytime.

“I was told steam yoga, circus style pilates, belly dancing…etc is the best way to lose weight.”
No matter the fad. Here is the sure way to lose weight. With the advice of your medical professional…eat less, MOVE around MORE!

“Shoot straight you bastards and don’t make a mess of it!”
Okay…that is more of REAL last…LAST words.

“I will get back to you later.”
Friends, family, flings, flirts…all of them…and you…all too easily forget or accidentally/purposely blow off the other.

“I will clean up later.”
Spare me.

“Just one more…(anything… mini-burrito, slice, shot, kiss, hour of sleep, etc.)”
Funny how just one more can add up so quickly.

“Surely, my boss will buy the excuse I got H1N1.”
Did you hear that? It was the tiny and unmistakable sound of sweating it out stress.

Okay the next one is a little off the charts crude…but I want to make a point.
“AIDS schmades… 80’s. And he/she is healthy cool. We’ll just…wow that feels good…well just wait a minute…no I do not have one…oh my gosh…!”
Okay, the little label on the beer claims no one should drink while pregnant. Well, most people get a bun in the oven because of the little label and the contents of said beverage. Look…besides getting an HPV vaccine now at 13 years old for little girls, dental dams, Goodyear tire corporation making condoms…there are something like hepatitis A through Z-2.0 nowadays. No glove equals no love does not even matter anymore. Hell, you make out and you get the chance of cold-sore’ing it the rest of your life. Be smart.

And the most famous of all famous last words:
“I’ll just close my eyes for a minute.”
Don’t worry, this one never goes away completely…you will say this one the rest of your life!

The Quarter Life can be a wonderful time to experiment with a variety of plans, hopes and dreams that may or may not come to fruition. Yet, like a properly used F.Q.L.L.W. all will lead to learning valuable life lessons.

One last F.Q.L.L.W.

“I just cannot find the time…”
Stop txtN. Hng^ up. Turn off da laptop or now the IPad. And get on with that quarter life!

A life abroad- Costa Rica vol. 2: This time it’s peanut buttery!

One of our writers, Alli Whalen, is teaching English in Costa Rica for a few months. Check back in for her updates on living a quarterlife abroad.

Last time you heard from me, I was eating a mango on a white, comfy couch. I’ve matured so much since then; rather than simply slicing fruit and eating it, I’ve actually tried baking in my Costa Rican kitchen. Actually, baking might be overstating it. I wanted to make peanut butter Rice Crispies squares, and what I wound up with is a sticky mass that I had to cool in a frying pan because I didn’t have anything better to use. Being here, it’s funny how quickly you grow used to replacing your comfort foods with new, weirder items that fill that void. Marshmallows are different here; so is the margarine (if you can call it that). Fortunately, there is an upside: the fruit is unreal. Pineapple, cantaloupe and watermelon have become the refreshment I’ve come to crave more than water to quench my thirst. And the sunsets are spectacular! And the endless blue skies! And the smiles on peoples’ faces! There is still so much that surprises me every day, and so many new experiences to tell you about. This truly is the right thing to do for the unsatisfied, daydreamy, lookin’-for-adventure-and-whatever-comes-my-way twenty-something. Dearest Reader, you’ve got to try this.

In a span of slightly less than three weeks, here are some of the things I’ve done: taught a series of ESL classes for the first time and had many success and a few awkward, quasi-failures (more on that later); midwifed a pitbull; ridden on the back of a motorcycle with a bag of chicken in one arm and a pair of mops in the other, like a hungry knight on her way to battle (don’t worry Mom, I hung on and wore my helmet); seen a real live monkey crossing a road; lounged at a beach all day just to see the sun sink into the ocean; tried fish tacos for the first time (amazing!); attended a local city festival of unknown origin where everyone was dressed like cowboys; smelled more horse poop than I ever dreamed I could do without being sick; shrieked as a 6-inch grasshopper hopped monstrously in front of our camera; eaten vast amounts of gallo pinto (rice and beans); had a brief fling with food poisoning; and sunned myself to a shade of golden brown currently unattainable in wintry Canada. Horse poop and food poisoning aside, isn’t that cool??

Let’s zoom in on a few specifics. I love where I live: The small community of Comunidad is warm and friendly, with a school, shops, and restaurants (or sodas, as they are called here) lining the main road. The neighbours have dogs and cute kids, the corner stores sell fresh fruit and there is a nice, sunny patch of lawn in my backyard that is perfect for tanning and drying laundry. Everyone says hello to one another, and when a car honks and you expect some obnoxious teenager to throw a tub of yogurt at you, it’s nothing but a friendly arm waving out the window instead. Not bad.

I walk to the local school every morning to teach – class starts at 8 am and it’s already boiling hot outside. My classroom is rectangular with high ceilings and two fans that look like they could spin much faster but just don’t have the energy.
Teaching is so interesting. I had figured my students to be youthful, eager and friendly. I was right about young and friendly, but just like any student in class at 8 am, they aren’t always bright eyed and jumping to answer questions. Indeed, I have danced and shouted and widened my eyes at them, looking for an answer: What’s your name? Who has a job? Who has a favorite band? Who can spell the word “Monday”? They’re not stupid. They’re shy, and those moments of silence after I’ve given them my all can be frustrating, especially with teenagers. I’ve got one group who are like a Latino Breakfast Club. It’s surprising but I have the most trouble with teen girls! Who knew? My other group of teens, consisting of boys in big running shoes and cut-off tank tops, had me panicked. Think you get over being in high school when you’re in your twenties? Think again. Anyway, it turns out that they’re my favorite class – they’re loud and fun, but individually sweet and eager to learn; they laugh at my jokes and they erase the blackboard for me after class – that’s enough to win my heart.

I’ve realized that with teaching, you’ve got to expect the unexpected. An elderly woman joined one of my morning classes and I was worried she would fall behind, or be grouchy and difficult. Naturally I was completely wrong. She’s amazing! She’s one of the best students and during a game of competitive hangman against a teammate, she actually snatched the marker off my desk (beating her opponent with speed) and, grinning, strolled up to the board and spelled her word-challenge- perfectly. Another one of my students, Orlan, is perpetually trying to be a bad-boy, but has revealed to me over and over again that he’s a sweetheart who just wants to become fluent in a new language. Last class, he handed me a scrap of paper that said “Hapy day of woman”. I thought it was some kind of weird joke, but I threw it in my bag of supplies to show the other teachers. Later I found out that it was Woman’s Day in Costa Rica, and that he had attempted to give me the equivalent of a greeting card. I’ll keep that paper forever!

I am constantly touched by the earnestness of my students. They’ve got so much character, and though they can be difficult or shy or chatty, to see the look of pride on their faces upon finally learning to pronounce the word “server” (after saying “serber” over and over again) is so inspiring. There is a shy boy in class who I feared wouldn’t progress because he would never enunciate loud enough to be heard. We were learning “I’m _______. What’s your name?” “ I’m _______. Nice to meet you.” Imagine my pride and surprise on that first class when he was the last one to leave and turned back with a smile and called “Nice to meet you!” I hope I never forget the way that made me feel. I feel like I understand why people fall in love with teaching, and why so many quarterlifers head to teacher’s college to seek a career that might just be worth it.

Now, coming back to teaching young people – it’s not always easy. They’re always taIking or fidgeting or looking at me blankly. Is this karma wagging its finger in my face for all of the times I wrote notes or giggled during tests? To return the universe to proper balance, I feel that I must give a shout-out to all teachers of my education past. I admire you so much more for sticking with us students who made class discussion as easy and fun as falling from a plane and landing in a cactus garden. Dr. Whiting, I’m sorry I stared at you with lips clamped shut and eyes glazed; Mr. Novitski, I’m sorry for laughing at you when you burped unexpectedly while speaking to us in grade 8; Mrs. Frauhauf, I’m sorry that the mean girls laughed at you, and that I didn’t stick up for you even though I thought you were so cool; Dr. Hewson, I’m sorry for peeling the membrane off of each slice of grapefruit I ate in your discussion group; and finally, to Ms. Bramwell, I’m sorry that Leslie, Kyle and I played Dare every class when we were supposed to be working on our creative writing, even though I know you secretly thought it was funny. I’m sorry. I get it now.

I’m going to sign off for tonight and watch the Oscars that I missed while in class. I can’t wait to find out who won! I’ll leave you with my best wishes for a warm week in March, and my recipe for a tasty treat when all you’ve got is a craving for sweets and a corner store in Latin America.

Alli’s Pan ‘o Cereal
3 bags of marshmallows (sounds like a lot but there are about nine per bag here)
1 box of the cheapest cereal you can find – in this case, Corn Flakes
4 tablespoons of peanut butter
2 tablespoons of cooking oil
1 saucepan
1 frying pan

Pour oil into the the saucepan. Wait for it to heat up. Keep waiting. Realize you have turned the wrong burner on. Turn on correct burner and watch the oil begin to move around the pan. Add the marshmallows and peanut butter. Begin stirring the marshmallows and note that the peanut butter is melting nicely but the mallows remain curiously whole. Stir impatiently and note no difference. Turn burner up to 3 (only goes as high as 6). Stir continuously, imagining that you see little strings of meltiness. Realize you are only fooling yourself and wonder what the heck these things are made of. Boldly turn burner up to 4. Finally mallows are melting into a gooey, peanut-buttery ball. Add cereal and stir with a vengeance. As you turn off the burner, realize you haven’t got a baking pan and search frantically for anything that will hold your precious creation. Find a large frying pan, chuckle to yourself, and sheepishly transfer cereal mix to pan and spread evenly. Place pan in fridge to cool for 20-30 minutes. Open fridge later and wonder why you have a frying pan full of hamburger-nacho stir-fry you don’t remember making. Realize this is the dessert you invented and that it’s supposed to look appealing. Taste-test. Nod approval and relish in the weird yet snack-worthy creation you have nobly made with what you had on hand in a foreign country. Enjoy!

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