Finding Tech Zen

Okay my Quarter Lifer. It’s pretty much an either-or here. You are EITHER totally up to date, all about, cannot live without technology or you have entered a phase of life where you might just be falling a little bit behind, scared of the IPhone GPS function, off the grid totally, carpel tunneled texted out and just plain out of sorts with all that is tech. Still, I guess there is a third option. You might be totally, 100% happy with your inkjet printer cartridges’ lifespan, your cell minute plan, internet service provider and hardly ever use the vid and pic function on your cell. Yea right. That person does not exist. Red button, up, arrow left, green A.

The balance between the desire to be either totally tech or a little less so is hard to maintain. The Buddha said the root of all mankind’s sufferings is desire. Do you desire more techness or more inner peace. The pace of a Quarter Life gal and her guy pal does not lend itself to much evenness on the quest. Some see everything in Best Buy moving too fast. For others the internet connection is never fast enough.

Let us do a quick quiz so you can find out your techie nightmare or nirvana. Just a few questions on your level of savvy or needs.

No matter your age you should be familiar…sort of with this older term. What does acronym CD-ROM stand for?

If you said Compact Disc Read-Only Memory then you also have probably heard of Fortran and Basic. Does not mean you are a geek. Does not really mean anything except you have a brain and use it. Congrats.

Do you know what CGI means?…

Wrong. Michael Bay could not take a morning piss without it, but it is not ‘computer graphic blah, blah. Harry Potter’s five o’clock shadow is hidden by Common Gateway Interface. If you knew that then you are officially an uber geek and you need to get off this website and back to cleaning out your keyboard of Cheeto crumbs. Sorry that last part was uncalled for.

Do you have a shoe box or drawer crammed full of various battery chargers, USB cords or a billion of those square little black cubes you plug into the wall? Did they go to devices you no longer even remember owning?

If you answered yes (which you so did!) you are not alone. Tech tip: throw it all away. Do not even think about recycling it. The earth can take another one for the team. If you hesitate here you will put it in the trunk of the car with every intention of packing it to the nearest Special Olympic drop box and recycling your old cell phones. But, it will never make it there and just cause you further frustrations. A clutter free computing life is a balanced life. Plus, all they do is ship that electronic shit over to Bangkok for some 11 year old boy to sweat shop tear it up for the precious metals like gold from the connectors to lead from the batteries. It is sort of like Dell’s version of Slumdog.

Let us move onto the lightning round. Yes or no.

1. Have you gone over your cell plan minutes more than a baker’s dozen of times?
2. Do you not even bother reading your cell phone statement or bill?
3. Have you ever been texting so much that after you picked your nose, you did not flick or wipe the bogey away clearly…it ended up on your device and you kept typing?
4. Do you consider any computer over three years old as good as an 80’s Commodore?
5. Do you know what a Commodore was?
6. Have you ever considered your high score more important…so important that you passed up on sex?
7. Let’s forget about internet porn. Yea, like ignoring the reason for the widespread spread of the tech age, but let us pretend. Have you ever masturbated to clip art?
8. Do you still write checks?
9. Do you have scary dreams about losing passwords, phones, files, etc?
10. Do you speak in acronyms and texting-ese?
11. Do you think there is someone able to watch you from your computer? Tom-Tom…
12. If so, have you ever covered up your monitor with a towel or blanket?
13. Do you believe there is a passage in Revelations about the end of the world having something to do with iBooks and Barnes & Nobles?
14. Do you order your pizza using the online function?
15. And do you use the online pizza tracker where you can see it cook and check the status of its delivery?
16. Would you rather have a phone that just takes and receives calls…no camera please?
17. Would you like to spend time on a holodeck? Again, do you know what a holodeck is?
18. Are worried more about biological or computer viruses?
19. Does your phone, laptop or plasma define you or are you the type of person who hates people who are defined as such…and dammit don’t they try and show it off. Always the big game over at their place. Check out this file exstention on my 3G. It looks so like a chocolate bar, but sexier. The restraining order says fifty feet…blah, blah, blah.
20. Are avoiding doing anything…ANYTHING…by surfing and reading this article?

You know…it does not matter how you answered. And I have to admit after typing and editing it…I got no words of techie survival wisdom for you. Like a religion…and trust me, technology is so a religion. We must find our own paths. Whether you are going techie Zen to the chubby golden dude at your local Chinese restaurant, find meaning in web conspiracies, get help desk support from that young Judean carpenter or feel the Force…find some sort of balance and live a real life, not an electronic Quarter Life. Plus my hand is so tired of typing on this crappy keyboard. Also I have a cell call coming in…G2G or Gots 2 Go!

PS – If you went with that whole Force thing, then maybe an uber, duber geek you may be. Yea I did it in Yoda passive tone of voice.