Friend-thesaurus

We’re talking about amigos, buddettes, bro’s, etc…and maybe for this article more of those in the relationship toxicity department. Here is an interesting, no one ever needs to know fact; the quarterlifers in their childhood Jurassic Park fetish first coined the term Friend-a-saurus. To them, she was the awkward, unattractive girl in a college coed friend group out for ladies’ night in which she precedes to rooster block every male in the club.

Friend-a-saurus is just a label, but does indeed describe a friend most of us have. The rest of the above night’s story might have gone like this…she had your best interests at heart, knew that dude was no good, you were on the rebound anyways and since you two have been girlfriends since ya got your periods together back in 7th grade…well she is your sister; always has your back.

What other ¼ life friends are out there? Are they indeed just labels? Or do such peg them exactly. Fortunately we have the Friend-thesaurus.

Phony Promise Breaking Bitch – PPBB. Self explanatory.

Houdini – Always disappearing. Somehow they are still your friend, but you cannot even remember the last time you hung out for something outside of a random lunch of chicken tenders at the campus student center. Note to self: Was she my Freshman Orientation roomie?

Born Again, Again and Again Christian (or insert any religion or fanaticism) – Makes a stance on everything religious. Somehow she was also able to reinvent the Delta house night where nothing ever happened.

LGBT…ABCXYZ – Whatever the vogue initials of gender identification, simply two kinds. One is just a normal guy or gal, like you and I & pretty darn cool. The other uses every opportunity as a platform to propagate their sexual choices.

Shrink – Analyzer. Advisor. Anal-retentive About…YOU. This can be a good thing. And a best friend should have aspects of someone you could spend couch time with.

Theater/Drama Queen – Everyone has one. And if not…it is you!

Soprano/Gangster – Humor them til they get their ass kicked.

Daredevil or Dare-Demoness. Either way they seem to always find a way to always put their physical, fiscal or emotional lives at risk…with you sometimes along for the ride.

Gossip Girl – Do I have to explain this one?

Copycat – Okay. We get it. You want to be like me or the gang. Enuff! If you have one of these, tolerate’m. It’s flattering and a times, can inflate your own sagging ego. But, if they touch your patented massage move, time to bring in mediation.

The Caretaker – Can act like your parent or babysitting keeper. And everyone has a need to share personal triumphs and tragedies.

Loner – No cliché campus killer wannabe. They just prefer alone time with you and only you. Not a groupie and not a member of the posse. (See: My best friend might be gay for me)

Envious – Don’t jump to conclusions, you might just be this friend. Think about it?

Pass-Agg – Passive Aggressive or Jekyll and Hyde.

Comedian – Always makes ya laugh. This can be good/bad. Sometimes life can get serious and we do not need stand-up, but just a good hug or someone to pound a few with. (And by “pound a few” I mean beer, not what you were thinking ya perv. And you know you were…look up Friends With Benefits.

Weird Named Girl – In diversity days, we all have one. You try to introduce them, roll your “Z” Mess up and from then on everyone at the party thinks she is a refugee from some Balkans religious war and wonders why she does not wear a one of them thar funny looking scarves.

Cell Phone Phil – Never actually see, but just might “get you” better than anyone else on the planet.

BFF – Please!

Facebook Friend – Really? Get out more often.

Feminazi – Penis equals Darth Vader’s light saber.

Really Nice Guy/Girl – Patient, tolerant, symphathic and friendly. Available to talk at any time, about anything and not capable of anger. Love them, but almost want to punch’m in the throat. Especially if it is that douche bag who plays the slow ballad songs on his acoustic during the party. Oh, yes! Pour out your soul Keith. Girls love you Keith. You are so cool Keith. Umm…sorry. Nothing but good vibes for ya bro!

Apathy Upperclassmen or the guy still in Marketing five years after graduation – They used to be your social leaders. Now it is just sad.

Horny Duo – Sometimes friends come in twos. This couple are always together, playing house, sleep-overs, giggles, tickles…just makes ya want to blow chunks!

Zealot – Always has an intellectual or moral orgasm for the flavor of the month cause. Probably had the hipster arty Obama poster on his dorm door or cubicle wall.

Pimp Masta’ – Thinks life is only for picking up “ho’s.” Good news. He will get what’c coming to him when he meets the life ruining Mrs. Pimp Masta.

Confused Ex-Goth – Doesn’t know what to do. They get off on being “out” of the popular scene, but discovered at college they are below average weird scale. Cannot give up black, but cannot give into the idea of Greek rushing. Out of college she works at a book or music store. Good luck with her ecstasy addiction.

And that is just a sampling…be on the look out for Friend-thesaurus II.