Quarterlifers Need Friends Like Alan Shore & Denny Crane

I enjoy watching ABC’s “Boston Legal.” Its main characters are Alan Shore and Denny Crane, portrayed by James Spader and William Shatner, respectively. Shore, an associate at Crane, Poole and Schmidt, is the firm’s civil rights specialist and best litigator. Politically, he would be identified as a Democrat. Crane is a self-absorbed, gun-toting Republican who has convinced himself, and others, that he suffers from madcow. Denny is a named partner who is listed first on the office door and letterhead. These two are the equivalent of water and oil because of their character differences.

Yet, each episode ends with Denny and Alan on the balcony outside of Denny’s office. The two apprize each other over scotch and cigars of what they have accomplished during the show. The dialogue between the two centers on their fears, triumphs, and beliefs. The duo also share their opinions on the women in their lives. Regardless of how superficial the conversation may be, one has to be awestruck by their unique friendship.

This small flock of self-proclaimed “flamingos” has led me to examine the friendships in my life. It leads to what is a unique aspect of the quarterlife period. At some point during our mid-twenties friendships begin fluctuating in both quantity and quality. Why does this happen?

My best friend is my wife. I keep connections with only two friends from grade school. One of them is the chief architect of Quarterlives.Com. I still talk with my closest friend from high school, but no one else. I retain two connections from college. My law school friends are limited to roughly four persons. Outside the halls of academia, there are three persons with whom I feel comfortable sharing intimate details. Of these three, my father is my most prized companion. Thirteen people by my informal count. Is this a lot of confidants? I am unsure.

Maybe the quantity of my friends is not what bothers me. I suspect that the more frustrating issue for myself is the distance and time between my friends and me. This must be qualified by the fact that I reside in International Falls, Minnesota. The city sits on the Canadian Border, and the largest substantial town is 190 miles away, which is Duluth, Minnesota. My closest high school friend is at least 250 miles and 5.5 hours away in Fargo, North Dakota. Perhaps it is the opportunity to pick up the phone, call a buddy, and meet at the local watering hole in 10 minutes that I miss.

For myself, and possibly others, I am relegated to chatting with my closest friends by cell phone. Getting together face to face is an option that is difficult to exercise. It takes major life events like weddings, graduations, and funerals to bring us together. Aside from the occasional phone call, “life” has ripped us apart. Perhaps this is why I have partially wanted to remain a Toys ’R’ Us kid for life – so that I could continue sharing the millions of toys that I play with with my friends face to face.

My logic has concluded that another reason why friendships fade during our twenties is that we concentrate too much on ourselves. The wind of change often blows at hurricane force. We must let go of nearly everything to help ourselves. Some breezes carry us upwards to higher and better places, in our opinions. And then there are times when the wind stops, and it causes us to crash down onto our backsides with a smarting thud. But no matter where the breeze has blown us, it is helpful to look to or call upon our friends for assurance that we are pointed in the correct direction, especially when we believe we have stalled.

What I find myself wondering at the close of each “Boston Legal” episode is how many individuals enjoy friendships like the one between Alan and Denny? Friendships have immeasurable benefits that go beyond having a counterpart that enjoys the same likes, dislikes, ideas, ideologies, and thoughts as you. Similar to romantic relationships, friends are there to celebrate and console. At a minimum, friends improve one’s self-esteem and psychological needs.

But in order to get these benefits with friends, people have to make their friendships priorities. This is where I must desperately improve. I am guilty of treating my non-spousal friends as a convenience rather than a priority. Unlike my wife, I do not pick up the phone on a daily or weekly basis to chat with my comrades merely for the sake of touching base. I tend to call my friends only when I need something. It is after the main reason for the call that I remember to ask for a status update. Even then, the conversation is limited to the courtesy “life is good” that is exchanged between co-workers or strangers. This is improper on my behalf. This level of attention is too far below the standard of friendship that those close to me are entitled to. I must become a better initiator or reciprocator with my friends. I need that deeper level of friendship.

And this is why I envy the friendship between Denny and Alan. The “flamingos” have a deep friendship that is explored on a daily, but scripted, basis. Regardless of circumstance, Alan and Denny are always there to help each other with whatever requires helping.

This has made me realize that the key to elevating my friendships, and possibly yours, to the “Crane/Shore” level is to communicate with a little more effort and frequency by phone, e-mail, or U.S. snail mail. Push your friend for his/her deepest fears, loftiest goals, and core beliefs. The loneliness and isolation experienced by buddies through geographical distance and life can be erased by the simple acts of caring and communication.