Review: The Commitment by Dan Savage

If you are addicted to The Onion and podcasts, you are probably already aware of Dan Savage’s work. His primary claim to fame is his weekly sex-advice column “Savage Love” and a podcast in a similar vein “The Savage Lovecast”. Dan has also graced the world with a collection of books. The most recent one (recent being 2005) is The Commitment detailing Dan and his partner Terry’s quandary: To marry or not to marry?

Savage’s previous book The Kid was a romp through the perils of adopting a child as a gay couple, who have only been together for two years. Both books come from a place of humor and sincerity- which is much more palatable in large doses than his other books that are suited to short reads while in the can. Having been with his partner for longer than all of Britney Spears’ marriages combined, neither Dan nor Terry really see the advantage of heading to the border and getting hitched. Their adopted son tells them they aren’t allowed to get married because they “weren’t the kind of boys who marry girls,” but that they had to live with each other and be his dads. Dan’s mom is pushing the marriage issue, even though her other children are also unmarried with kids. Dan and Terry just want tattoos.

With the “Marriage Amendment” making the ballot in more states this year, it is apropos to take a look at the issue from an insider’s perspective. Especially from a gay man, in a committed relationship, who doesn’t want to get married. Eventually, they decide that they will have a big party (with two very expensive cakes) and celebrate their relationship. But it’s not a wedding.The planning of said party turns into a nightmare that any bride can relate to, and along the way we see the waffling of both Dan and Terry from “not wanting to act like straight people” to “we love each other…fuck George Bush.” I found myself waffling right along with the happy couple, unsure if I wanted them to get married or not. When your marriage isn’t recognized where you live, is it really worth it to get married?

By far the most important take-away from the book is that this shit ain’t easy. We expect to fall in love, feel completed, and make a commitment to someone for the rest of our lives. Or at least that’s what Lifetime Movie Network tells us about love (that, and eating disorders kill). You can be with the one you love with a family and a life, and still not be sure that marriage is the right path. Dan’s mom finally sways them. She married her second husband late in life, and, with the insight only a mother can give, she says,

“It wasn’t easy to say ‘I trust you’ after what we had been through, believe me. And trust is what marriage really means. You and Terry trust each other. When I look at you I see two people who have chosen to be together, in good times and bad, to put up with each other and love each other in spite of their shortcomings. I see two people who love and respect each other, two people who care enough about each other to want to adopt and raise a child together. I see two people who should want to be married.”

A quick search on Google will tell you that they did, in fact, get married. But with the wisdom of a sex-advice columnist, Savage gives us a resolved ending in either case. He actually ends the book with the party, explaining how it just wasn’t time for them to tie the knot and maybe when gay marriage is legal, they will reconsider. A few more pages of acknowledgments and about the author and we come to the actual final chapter, where they head to Vancouver and, in a string of chaotic events (including their son saying to border guards, “George Bush is a weasel!”), get married.In the end, The Commitment ends up being less about gay marriage and more about choosing love. In their Chinese New Year themed party, they served custom-made fortune cookies. The most interesting, and the one that, ironically, sums up the book actually came from James Dobson (yes that James Dobson). He writes “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.”