Grinding My Quarter Life Gears V

July 11, 2010

And no that is not a title of a porn. Though it would be a good one. I remember this one time when I was a senior in high school. I was in charge of procuring a dirty flick for a friend’s send off party before he shipped out to boot camp for West Point. Well, I was a pretty innocent fellow, but I was sharp enough to know Blockbuster was not going to be able to handle the request. So I headed off to the more neighborhood friendly video store.

Well, I thought it was just a small mom and pop shop that stayed open late and with ample parking in the back of the store. Needless to say, I was shocked…appalled…a little impressed and way over my head. I panicked and quickly picked out a movie. But, I also remember how my brain went through the process.

“Okay…lots of weird covers on the VHS’s. Ummm. Okay that looks like it would be uncomfortable for her. This one has way too many guys with mustaches. Hey. This one is a sequel. That must mean the first four should have been pretty good!”

Needless to say, Cupcake Crammers V was not what I thought it would be. And needless to say, my friends have speculated on my sexuality ever since.

Long story short…too late, I know. Here is part five in my never ending series of quarter life gear grindings…

Like cats, they just piss me off.

Double Pitts to Chesty…
All those dude deodorants created by Maxim magazine and Spike television. False advertising. No chick, no where ever got off on a guy’s hairy pit odor. And if I have to obey the QL man-grooming of said pits and chest, I expect results.

Local News
Local on the 1’s. Weather on the 8’s. Fire and brimstone at a neighborhood apartment complex on the 5’s. Crap! What would they report for not the standard playground incident, murder in the 5th ward, local sports crap I already got off the web? The weather. Yep, the weather is the only thing they could air. That is why it is last in the broadcast. Cuz…your grandfather cannot work the Web.

¼ Lifers
Man, we are a whiny entitled bunch aren’t we?

We grew up with them. We looked through many a couch searching for them. Hell, I got grounded for dropping the cable remote into a full glass of milk. Later on in college I dropped one into an Igloo of Sex on the Beach punch. And just recently I spilled a Red Bull on my nieces’ Wii controllers. Cannot we ¼ lifers in 2010 develop something to solve this problem? Why not turn our cell phones into remotes? And even if we lose them we can call ourselves and feel the vibration mode go off in the futon cushions? Billy Gates…Steve Jobs…your move?

The Fly on any Men’s Underwear
Why? Like I am going to go digging between awkward folds of cloth to grab my meat and two veg. Every dude, just pulls down the elastic and takes care of business. The Quarter Lifer’s in Europe don’t have to put up with this in their undergarments. American QL’s should demand more of their Fruits of the Loom.

Nickels and Dimes
I like pennies and quarters. Seriously? What can you buy for five and dime? Pennies give you good luck. A couple of quarters buys ya a bean burrito, a parking space or a toll. And as a QL, I never have cash anyways. And that is also why my debit and charge cards need to be replaced every six months from swiping.

Mother Nature
Make up your mind you crazy bitch. Winter from Hell. Earthquakes. Rhode Island became an actual island. Icelandic volcanoes. Yes! I know the generations before me pillaged ya. But, we are better in Gen Y.

I spend way too much time in front of the tube. QL’s have better things to do with their lives.

Best Buy
We in the Millenials+ have had this as the mainstay of all electronics shopping. One stop shop. That blue and eye burning yellow. I hate that place. Those uber nerds working for their commissions. It’s like I am the good looking chick at a bar being hit on by the last call for alcohol leftover dudes. Now I know what feels like when doves cry.

Sum up? Yep, I am taking a re-gander at what I have put up here. Lots of talk about sex, money and toys. Some things do not change no matter what generation you are in.