Job Advice? Net versus Reality. Who ya got?

July 22, 2010

All too often in these days of utter economic gloom, the college degree
meaningless and the corner “spare some change man?” guy’s job looking
better and better…we get a lot of quick, cheesy short lists from so called
career experts. Sites like Yahoo finance, AP news, Forbes, etc. Here are
some titles you have probably enjoyed: Top Ten Careers Not Downsizing.
Cities Weathering the Recession. $100k Jobs without a College Degree. All
promise employment bliss, if you can just quit your current 20-something
life, move and erase everything you ever did and start again. Not exactly
a Quarter Life option.

Not gonna happen, not likely and not reality.

Then again…

So, I thought to put together a cliche top ten list of careers that are
totally, utterly going to need big time numbers, pay well and not laying
off for the next 50 years.

Tattoo Removal Surgery Tech – Lots of people are going to need, “I love La
Cretia” removed when they marry “Michelle” and Michelle will need her
tramp stamp removed so she can get the wedding dress she always
wanted. And hubby will need to get that promotion, so the little “I
pretended I was a gangsta” tattoo he got at Boulder Community College
will need to come off. And the Black and Decker sand-belter is just not
going to be covered by Obama health care.

Techie – Some of these magical nerds are your company computer guys with
Cheetos stained fingers and lord over you as if his World of Warcraft
fantasy extended over the whole office floor. Others are big time main
framers who decide the fates of billions of dollars and many smaller
developing nations. Ergo, you will always have a job, because idiots like
me only understand control-alt-delete.

Manga Cartoonist – Hey it‘s not just a Japanese marketing gizmo. This
pseudo porn artwork and the male fetish for school girl panty heroines
makes this a solid bet if you have a penchant for the Quarter Life

Holodeck Programmer – They do not exist yet. But when they do…wham! You
thought porn, the X-Files and South Park drove the internet in the 90’s!
The 2000’s were about Facebook and YouTube? The 21st tweens are all
holograms baby! Of course you will be one of the many causes for the fall
of humanity, but so has any person who ever blogged.

Artificial Food Additive Taster – Despite the organic, green, eco-fad,
people found out that the real taste of strawberry is not the wow factor
one gets from an ultra X-treme Flava Crystal Jolly Rancher with edible
habanera, cilantro mango chutney wrapper. Dow Industries is back in the
driver’s seat again, coming up with simple cancer causing formulas to help
deal with the reality that nature is just not that good tasting. Your QL
demographic taste buds are just what’s needed in this once again thriving

Sanitation Engineer – Not sure if I like the PC term for that. ¼ Lifers are
trash makers. Sure they recycle, but someone still has to pick and sort
that crap. The stuff keeps coming, is piling up and you can be there to
get it done. Did you know that a waste disposal expert…garbage man, in NYC
gets paid $70k per year? Think about that the next time you throw the
Dasani bottle in the recycle bin.

Marketing Chicks – Not just the realm of girls with speech communications
degrees anymore. But, with the influx of males with useless degrees there
was a glut in the market of warm bodies taking up cubicle room playing
solitaire, texting and IMing each other the latest OMG gossip or Fantasy
Football stats. Since companies cut way back on these drones in
2007-9, they now need them back. And it turns out that the ladies are
much better at these Power Point presenting, PR decision, meeting making,
lunch attending jobs than males. So dust off those Anne Taylor pant suits
ladies…ya’ll are back!

Soldiers – You’ve seen the world today. Ya think this time honored
profession is going away anytime soon? After the oldest profession in the
world, prostitution, this one is next and probably provides a sizable
portion of the income/market share of the former. And yes, for the ¼
dudes out there. You should have already signed up for Selective
Service…it’s the law. But, the draft scare for a quarter lifer draft ends
at 28. Ladies…knock yourselves out. Be All You Can Be, Army of One, The
Few, The Proud, AccelerateYour Life…visit new places, meet new people and
then kill them. Plus the medical and dental…three square a day is a lot
better than lots of places.

Internet List Maker – Duh.

Guest Star Appearance on the Simpsons – Of course for this one, you have
to become a flash in the pan star or have so much camp value like Betty
White. So this is sort of a long term project, but I think it is good to
have big goals. And we know the Simpsons are not going away, no matter how
long it stays in the rut of stale, boring and not funny.

There ya have it. Money, career satisfaction and job security can be all
yours. No go get out of your pajamas and make it happen!

Grinds My Gears! I

February 16, 2010

Peter Griffin is just another evolutionary development of the “Honeymooners” Ralph Kramden to decades later Homer Simpson. Going on its own decade, Griffin and “Family Guy” continue to escalate in popularity and influence. I foresee a time after George Clooney’s ascent to power as President, we shall have Peter Griffin as the eventual holographic leader of the Free World. Well, by that time…I imagine even the free parts will be subjugated by our insectoid overlords.

While the future era is unknown, the present is what counts. “Family Guy” knows its social stuff and so does the head of its so called family.

Peter used to have a small segment on Quahog’s local news channel. He got to rant and rave about what he found a proverbial pain in the ass. And now so do I…

You know what really grinds my gears?

Chicks without panties. Call me a man of convenience. But I don’t eat in truck stops, I pee standing up and I like my ladies to wear underwear. Plus, I already carry around antibacterial lotion. I do not need to carry a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Windex to use before I sit down on any chair.

Okay…biting the hand which feeds me. I remember the day when, “Then the broccoli must die!” It grinds my gears, how Seth MacFarlane’s “Family Guy” has turned maniacal, world dominating, evil Stewie into a pre-puberty pedophile and diaper wearing fan of canine bestiality with the dog Brian.

Hoodies. What are we all robbing 7-Elevens?

Vampires. True, they are the greatest horror characters of all time. But, no…Hollywood takes 90210, the Kardasians, Miley Cyrus and Nickelodeon to destroy Bram Stoker’s masterpiece. Except for the chick in Underworld. She was hot!

No one to blame but yourselves ¼ life peeps! The Biggest Loser versus Iron Chef. The idea of fattening up America and then capping them with a shame-fest into losing weight? Clap. Clap. Clap. Capitalism at its finest!

Quarter Lifers! Stop the madness in our generation. Tattoo art. I love that your name is Rosenfeld and you have a Polynesian tribal armband. Ladies, I love the butterfly on your left boob. Sad facts. Your tribal lexicon was needled by a guy who barely understands English let alone New Zealand dialects. You think your totem says “peace.” It probably means “Donde esta el bano?” And girls, it is cute, pink, and reminds you of Cancun. But, when you are a granny, your boobs looking like a billiard ball hanging in a tube sock…that butterfly will stretch out to look like a Jurassic pterodactyl.

Hand sanitizer. Okay. I just mentioned it. But, have we not moved on as a species to be able to wash our hands correctly? The answer is no. If you have ever been in an LAX airport men’s bathroom after a flight from Singapore has just arrived. You know how gross humans are.

Dollar menus. Just for the simple fact we might all be living off them soon.

February. Yep the whole damn month. Just pisses me off. The only thing that ever occurred of any value during this month is the strange occurrence of Mardi Gras. Has to do something with the Catholic Lent calendar being based on the lunar cycle. Come on…the month is so frigging lame they actually take off days from it every four years.

¼ Lifers having to have less while paying for more. You have heard it, “Lighter Portions or Sensible Dishes.” Sure TGIF we get it. Smaller plate, same or higher price, but YOU are doing ME a favor calorie wise. You’ve seen it. I just got a new jug of laundry soap. It’s “concentrated” now. Meaning you pay lots for way less and all in the name of eco-friendliness. What was most insulting was the label. “20% more than the 80 oz bottle!” Yes, this is true. I did get a 100 oz bottle. They were simply relaying a fact of volume measurements. None of it was for free. You’ve tasted it. Next time you put a Lean Cuisine in the microwave, check out the portion size. Not 10 oz, not 9 oz…maybe 8.75 ouches. It is the whole idea of taking one peanut out of the South West airlines peanut pack and the company saves $120,000 per year. Course they do not charge you $30 for each bag of luggage.


Quarter lifers are going to deal with the fiscal idea or sense of entitlement bailout. A bailout implies the boat is sinking and when you stop bailing, ploop, gurgle, bubble…cue Celine and the theme from “Titanic.” Yes, it was Titanic reference…but timely since Mr. Cameron just beat out his previous box office juggernaut cash wise. A least “Avatar” can have a sequel. We all went into the theatre in December 1997 knowing the end of that romantic cinematic abortion. And like our current world’s economy…it really grinds my gears the idea pushed on us…if we bail enough we might be able to stop the sinking of the “unsinkable” ship. And add insult to injury we still have to deal with the bubble of babies named Jack and Kate after the Titanic characters.