The State of our Union is SLOSHED!: Drinking Game

Are you ready for tonight? Have your booze of choice ready? Well hang on, cuz here comes the State of the Union Drinking Game.

This game is a time honored tradition, and for the last eight years a necessity to get through the entire speech without crying or defecting to Canada. This year we may not get to drink every time the President says “terrorist,” “WMD,” or “nuclear” but we’ve put together a list of rules to keep you and your friends entertained and sloshed.

• Obama walks to the podium- one shot to get you warmed up
• You still have your election bumper sticker on your car- one shot
• It says “yes we did”- one shot, you should be properly warmed up now

• Red power tie- one shot of Red Bull and vodka
• Blue peace tie- one shot of Red Bull, no vodka
• Michelle’s dress matches his tie- two shots and three snaps in a “D” formation

• Lifts his right hand in a dramatic gesture- one shot
• References Apple’s new iPad- finish drink
• Mentions the late Senator Kennedy- crack your first Guinness
• Any reference to Scott Brown- two shots of Jack Daniels
• Any time Obama negates his own statement- two shots
• Any accidental use of a Bushism- Chug one PBR
• Any reference to death panel, birther, or Sarah Palin- one moose jerky martini
• We enter the section where he throws the gay community a bone- one cosmo and go donate $10 to marriage equality here
• Promises to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act or Don’t Ask Don’t Tell- three shots and don’t hold your breath
• Takes a stance on Proposition 8- pinch yourself, you fell asleep
• References Haiti- one shot and text 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross
• References to Wall Street versus Main Street- Drink one PBR if your savings account has less than $1000 in it. Drink one imported microbrew if your savings account has more than $1000 in it.
• Guantanamo- one shot of jailhouse hooch
• Use of the term Spending Freeze- Turn on your Margaritaville and make a round for the room
• Iraq/Afganistan/Iran/Pakistan/North Korea/Cuba/China- one shot per 3 references, we’re not advocating alcohol poisoning
• Mentions his love of Blackberry or his first Tweet- Jell-o shot
• Reference to immigrants or immigration- one tequila shot, two if he uses the term “our nation’s boarders”, finish the bottle if he proposes building the wall
• The congress boos him at any point- Switch to Fox News. If the scroll on the bottom of the screen mentions it, finish drink.
• Shot of Biden grinning vacantly- 1 shot
• Shot of Biden scowling- 2 shots
• Teleprompter problem- one shot

Uses the term:

• “Unemployment”- one shot of grain alcohol out of an origami cup you made from your resume
• “Our Nation’s Youth”- Mix a Shirley Temple
• “Let me be clear”- One shot, seriously- pace yourself
• “The road ahead”- take two aspirin for the massive hangover you’re going to have tomorrow
• “Legalization” in reference to anything: marriage, immigrants, drugs- hand over your heart, salute the flag, and one PBR
• “Health Care”- drink a glass of water, alcoholism may be considered a preexisting condition
• “Coming together”- giggle and two shots
• “Activist court”- finish your drink
• “Across the aisle”- swap drinks with the person next to you and finish the drink

• You’re brave enough to watch this all on Fox News- seek therapy for your masochistic tendencies
• You’re stupid enough to watch this all on Fox News- sign up to volunteer at Acorn tomorrow morning
• You’re watching this on CNN just so you can see Anderson Cooper- one gimlet
• You’re watching this on MSNBS just so you can see Rachel Maddow/Keith Olbermann-one sidecar
• You’re not watching this and instead have decided to watch the Bravo marathon of Launch my Line-one bottle of sweet tea vodka