The WoW Crack!

Sometimes reality just gets too real. Everyone needs a little relief from the stress of everyday life, and I’m not talking about Xanax. I’m talking about WoW! That’s an acronym for the World of Warcraft for all you noobs! Its way better than crack or whatever else you weirdo’s in RL (Real Life) are addicted to!

I know you have been contemplating the idea of joining the fantasmical world of Azeroth for some time now, but you’re afraid of what other people may think. It’s okay! Everybody is doing it! Now you’re asking me, “If your friends jumped off the dam in Loch Modan, would you jump too?” Hell yeah I would! In fact, I already did!

Now that you’re obviously convinced that the World of Warcraft is right for you, I’ll go over the basics for the ULTIMATE ESCAPE FROM REALITY!!! (You should have read that last line with a booming voice roaring like thunder through the halls of Ironforge). First, you will need to purchase the game. It would be wise to pick up the expansion pack too. Also, there’s a $15 monthly charge to play. I know what you’re thinking, “Dude, I just dropped 80 bucks on the game and the expansion pack and now I have to pay $15 a month!?” Bear with me; I too was once a non-believer. However, consider this. You probably have a Netflix account. I bet you buy at least one CD or DVD a month. I’m sure you go to the movies every now and then. What’s another measly 15 bucks? Anyway, it’s for a good cause. You’re supporting the families of all those artists, programmers and useless game masters dedicated to updating the World of Warcraft and serving your needs on a regular basis. Besides, it’s way cheaper than crack. The human mind can justify anything!

After a day of installation you will be faced with a few monumental questions before you begin. Which server do I join? What race do I want to be? Which class has “me” written all over it?

Choosing your server is a big decision. Chances are you already know people that play the game, even if they don’t readily admit it. So make sure to join a server with someone you like because you’re going to be spending a LOT of time with them. If you have a friend playing in a non PvP server (A Player vs Player server allows opposing factions to slay each other at any moment, no questions asked), count them out. Only pussies play in non PvP servers because they can’t take the heat of PvP!

Next, you have 10 races to decide from. If there was ever a time to be racist, this is it! Be careful though, some races are considered more “gay” than others. If you pick a Gnome for instance, there’s a good chance any Horde race that sees you will drop everything and hunt you down like a dog.

Picking a class is like choosing your personality, so choose wisely. People will immediately judge you depending on your character’s class. Warriors are the frat boys of the Warcraft realm. Rogues are the backstabbing assholes. Hunters are loners. The list goes on and on, but you’re bound to find a class that matches you, or at least the personality you wish you had.

Finally! The time has come to play the game! As you enter the World of Warcraft marveling at the “natural” beauty, partaking in community dance parties and making a difference in the world by completing various quests, you feel a sense of euphoria. This truly is the escape from reality you were looking for! One evening in Durotar while slaying an Armored Scorpid, a level 70 Night Elf Rogue (aka the asshole) materializes out of nowhere! He pierces your spine with his Infinity Blade and you drop to the ground like a flaccid penis! Standing over your carcass, he points and laughs at you, then spits on your remains before departing. You vow to never sleep until you find him and avenge your death!

It has begun! Every waking hour will be devoted to the WoW crack. Your eyes will turn all bloodshot and your skin pasty white. You’ll dream about your next high at work. Your new Google will be Thottbot and your new Wikipedia will be WoWWiki. Your vocabulary will change to include crazy acronyms like WTS, AFK and OMW. You’ll be drawn to other Warcrafter’s in RL to share stories that no sane people will understand! Oh yes my friend, there’s nothing like a little WoW to relieve the stress.