Top Ten Questions To Ask A Potential Roomate

10. What’s your take on “after hours” nudity?

9. When you tell your friends and other guests, “Mi casa es su casa,” do you mean it literally or figuratively?

8. Every Thursday night I have a Lord of the Rings Anonymous meeting. Would you be interested in joining…my precious?

7. Does your idea of a good house party involve cheap booze, cold mud, coked-up strippers, barnyard animals, colorful balloons, and a confused midget? Mine too!

6. Do you have a Wii? Do you have, “the Kart?”

5. Do you promise to leave your dirty dishes in the sink, Tupperwares of god knows what in the fridge, and your wet, molding laundry in the washer? Yes? Awesome.

4. I’ve left a sharpie and a roll of masking tape next to the fridge for you to label each and every one of your grocery purchases. Is that going to be a problem? Don’t touch my soymilk!

3. Can you pass a background check, credit check, employment check, tenant check, DNA check, cashier’s check, prostate check, mic check…check one, check, check, chiggity-check…

2. Every roommate I’ve had so far has ended up as an ex. I’m trying to break the pattern and you seem nice enough that that wouldn’t happen again. Are you free for dinner?

1. Do you believe that cleanliness is next to godliness, because if so, cover me in chocolate syrup and PRAISE THE LORD!