Vote or…or…Oh Yeah!

Voting day! I love getting to vote. I am that girl who was upset because my birthday was too late for me to vote in the gubernatorial election the year I turned 18. I am the girl who stays up on election night until at least 13% of precincts have reported their results. I’m the girl who joins up with MoveOn.org and their calling initiative to get people registered, to the polls, and (hopefully) voting conscientiously. This is the first year I will be voting at my actual polling place. All throughout college I stayed registered in my home county because I care about the school board changes and the local idiotic laws. This means I got to be one of those irritating absentee Florida voters in the 2000 election. I can certify that I didn’t have any dangling chads, but I can’t speak for the rest of the absentee population.

I’m a little nervous about my first in-public voting experience because, well, voting is a lot like masturbating. You spend all your time fantasizing about the person who is going to change things, that one person who can touch you in the right way. Then you take yourself and your civil liberties to a quiet, secluded place and get comfortable with what you are doing. You get to warm up with the easy parts- constitutional amendments, judges to retain in their seats, and small tax adjustments on farming equipment. Then, with a fumbling hand and a pounding heart you make your big choice. You think about your choice and forge ahead knowing that what you are doing is completely right. You put your ballot into the box and that rush of adrenaline makes you tingly as you leave the Elks on Third Street, fully aware that your day has just reached its climax.

Voting by absentee ballot allows you to do this all in private. You can research your candidates with the ballot in front of you. You can make the experience last by voting over a few days. And eventually, you drop your ballot in the mail and get that private rush of pleasure that only voting (and masturbating) can give you. This year, I have to do this all in public! I’m afraid of people watching me go through this erotic experience. Not that I’m not an exhibitionist, but it’s different when everyone is doing it together. Exhibitionism works when you are the center of attention, with perhaps one or two other participants. When you are jerking off with the Republican grandma next to you it’s a little much to handle.

To add to my paranoia, my ideal candidate- the guy I fantasize about- is not returning my affections. Dennis Kucinich has thrown in the towel. Now, no matter what I do, I know that my O from voting will be less than full throttled. I know he’s a little funny looking, but it’s about personality right (and his views on gay rights and the decriminalization of marijuana)? So before the big event in November, I can have one more fantasy for myself. But maybe in November I’ll get an absentee ballot.