Your Quarter Life Place

First. I have not been drinking bong water. Second I do have a big point to make in ten simple to read, snippets. So be patient and read on.

A little back story. Few years back I finally threw out the triple threat paper back book dictionary, thesaurus and quick fact finder set my grandmother thought I needed to go to college with. I am and always have been a Dictionary.com kind of dude. And a rampant term paper plagiarizer. But, that is beside the point.

So I turned to my little online diction friend to consider the word ‘Place.’ Did you know there are over fifty definitions for this simple concept? And here is a wing dinger. It’s origins as a word begins before 950 B.C. It starts with ancient Greek moves through Latin, to Old English, back over the Channel to France and finally ends up in our little cornucopia of modern American nomenclature as essentially, a time and a place. How can you define something with what it is? I know Prez Clinton got away with it, but come on!

Still, with the help of a few lunchable cocktails I was able to concoct a few ideas on this ‘place’ and how it fits into my little piece of earthly real estate. The dictionary types and those Greek dudes from 300 were correct; place is…where, when and how we are. And for our readers that place is the Quarter Life.

Where are you now? A tiny question and with easy reflection one might find humor in your present circumstances. In front of the laptop, on the elliptical, in therapy, on medication, in or out of love, on the job hunt, in a cube, on line, etc.

For others, after pounding a few the night before, during a focused hot yoga session with a speed dating session scheduled later that evening…one might ask great transcendental questions about what my place is in the scheme of the cosmos. But, for now I shall stick to some average places for all of us and maybe choice picks of advice to help out Mr. or Ms. Quarter Life? After exhaustive research I have the typical, run of mill, odds are answers:

The place you are at.

1. You are…in, quit or graduated from college.
Won’t matter much. Bachelor’s degree will get you a chicken nugget fry-o-lator tender job at Hardee’s and a Master’s diploma will put ya in place to move up to salting fries at White Castle. Hey, they both have health plans for part timers.

2. You are…up to now, on average, have had four sexual partners with the first one being at 16.
Seriously? 16? No kidding, this is what the Department of Health and Human Services website says. Damn. Where was I at with my provisional driver’s license at fifteen? But seriously, in the average twenty-aged relationship there is a 15% chance of it becoming a marriage. After which there is a 56% chance it will end in divorce. Have fun.

3. You are…21-29.999999 years of age.
Shut up and deal with it. You are…in a position to change your life today. Do so.

4. You are…online, celling or texting more time than you actually converse with actual human, flesh & bone people. As such, you have checked out Twitter and have no idea why anyone would care.
Congrats! This is a first step into a larger world. You are a twenty-something…something now and have a few notches under your belt. (Not referencing the above sex numbers) You have realized people are social creatures and there is just so much you can do electronically. Get off online and get out. All that computer LCD radiation causes early E.D., baseless Facebook relationship tumors and gave us Two Girls and a Cup. But, before you log off…blog about how you love our website and their charming writers. Ergo…me.

5. You are…on medications and just as worried that the King of Pop, aka Mr. Jackson’s death will make it harder for you to get your “meds.” Do not worry. They tried Prohibition and it tanked. Booze is still legal and you can get medicinal herbs for you glaucoma in Cali. But, you can say good-bye to refills on Ambien. There is still Red Bull. That is why they put Vodka in it.

6. You are…20 lbs overweight or definitely obsessed you might be or will be or have been.
See above the above dealing with it.

7. You are…48% likely female.
Okay, I got that figure from my 7th grade biology class. And I really have nothing in the ways of advice; just merely a statement of facts. Quarter Lifer ladies had the decade past liberating girl power of sex, cities and shop-o-holics to guide them. And despite bro-mance and man-scaping…1/4 Lifer boys changed very little. Just wanted to throw that out there. I guess it is another deal with it.

8. You are…lamenting or celebrating the US Electoral College.
Either way…hold on to the hand rail and please keep your heads and arms inside the bus at all times. It is going to be quite a roller coaster people! But if you are griping about the ride, the state of the world, DO something about it instead.

9. You are…still professing to be a Bob Marley fan.
Stay with me here. Quarter Lifer…college is over or should be. You never knew what Rastafarian love was all about…odds are your parents never did either. Thus your dorm poster was meaningless. But, I bet you are wondering why all these bullshit Millenials are wearing Marley or Che t-shirts and where do they get off doing so? Don’t be hypocritical. We had and still have Lenny Kravitz. That should be enough for all.

10. You are…aware of what kind of underwear you have on. For the .25 life dudes the options have not changed much. You got commando, banana hammock, whitie tighties or boxers. Not so much for the girls. When you were young ya pretty much got the four- pack Neapolitan colored cotton set. Now…oh the choices. Cheekies, boy shorts, thongs, briefs, garters, hip-huggers, thongs, stickies, V-strings, no lines…whew!
Like our undies, comes down to we have choices in life. Choices within the places we reside in our lives. Sometimes too many. Others not enough. Keep it simple quarter types…less stress, less mess no need for life Sham-Wow clean ups. Also for the ladies. If you would like to hit my blog and tell me more about your underwear selection…

…ouch…hey I am typing a serious article here…stop hitting me…give me back the key board…no I was not insinuating we start a 1-900 call center…put down the stapler!